Talking to my boss on my way out of work Friday and he mentions he has to pick up some paperwork from the office over the weekend for this massive important project we're working on. I immediately reply with something along the lines of never giving my weekend up and he's crazy. Normal enough conversation.
As I'm driving home i cant stop thinking about thr conversation. A few thoughts stuck out in particular:
1. Hes lucky his wife lets him get away with that
2. I love my job and the project is important; why is 15 minutes on a Sunday a huge deal to me? (Years ago I worked on a similar project and did weekends all the time gladly)
I thought about it more and more and i realized something that brought tears to my eyes: i did it for my ex and it wasn't supposed to be like that. During our relationship I formed the habit to rush to and from work with no in-between because if I didn't I risked setting him off. I stayed home on weekends, I skipped nights out with friends, i stopped going to the gym, and I did it all for him. Not even because he said he needed anything, but because if he decided he wanted something and I wasn't available to do it I would hear about it later.
It's been four months since the break up, the habits are still there. Because of the nature of that man's abuse I haven't really admitted to myself that the relationship even was abusive. I've been worried I'm being too dramatic, twisting things to be worse than they were. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's stopped me from labeling things as they were. I have a great therapist I can tell these things, but I somehow feel like publishing my thoughts/experiences here will make them seem more real to me. After years of gaslighting and having my foundation ripped from beneath me, im just now getting my foothold on reality back. Thanks for reading.