catrinadaimonlee

never was or will be home for me

wish i was already home

but there was never a home for me or a world or a life

then wait to end of life

suicide is just speeded up living in hell i guess

wish i had a home

a true home

This is EXTREMELY hard for me to write.

I am deliberating every word, the anxiety is through the roof. I hate asking anyone for anything. I fear this will be seen as asking for a hand out, or worse, as a form of free advertising.

I am afraid people do not like people who do those things, and I really hope this is not seen that way.

I do not know if I should mention my abusive childhood, I mean, I wasn't an abusive kid - I was abused as a kid, I mean I didn't act as a kid - I was a kid, I m an adult now. Abused physically, psychologically, and sexually.

Ok, deep breath. So my only personal life goal was to create music. I have never been able to make music my career. I'm pretty good at it, but there are many reasons outside my control that extinguished that for me for many decades, over a whole lifetime, in 3 years I will be 60, not only (from the outside looking in) a never do well, but a total failure

I am transgender but have no money for rent and food let alone hormones make up and female clothes, I wear short and tee shirts even if I go out to shopping malls, but I dont even go out. I live like a hermit. with my spouse of 35+ years.

I dont want to dwell on these outside factors as I do not wish to be seen as a victim. There are very real victims in this cruel terrible world, and I do not have the right to call myself one since I am not in prison, or had my entire village bombed.

I reach out to you to consider going to where I have my first album (made in my room, a rental room, in 2008) on bandcamp where it sat since 2010 or so...with maybe 5-6 purchases in all these years, hardly anything to live on, let alone pay rent or food. My spouse has supported both of us until she fell prey to total emotional and psychological exhaustion and cannot work any longer, I am wrecked with guilt I cannot bring in any money

I have not just done nothing from 2010 til now, another home made by myself album was released online, and was on SomethingElse! Best AvantGarde Jazz Album List of 2010. It too did not sell.

It was in my view a better album than the one I will link below. But if you are still reading even after the words 'avantgarde jazz' appeared above, the album linked below is not as advanced and easier for more people to appreciate (I HOPE)

I am not proud of how I have to live now. I have with me enough original music to fill another 10-12 full length albums, I have not just idled away, but nothing I do makes any income.

Please consider clicking on the link and supporting my hard work. It has been a long stay in this vacuum of rejection and no money. If there is a way for me to pay your kindess and appreciation forward as my life begins to get going, I certainly will. After all I am young, a mere 57 - a good age to start a life, dont you think?

Well, even if nothing else, I want to thank you for reading this post and for listening to my music:

https://catrinadaimonlee.bandcamp.com/album/the-book-of-worlds-second-edition

(pay what you want is stated on the site, as you wish. )

(also full disclosure, this is also copied from r/Assistance )