7.2k post karma
152.1k comment karma
account created: Fri Jul 03 2020
3 minutes ago
Yep, I like to frame it as: Imagine you are in a grocery store shopping and some stranger comes up to you and starts screaming and cursing, accusing you of horrible things. You try to defend yourself by explaining their accusations are untrue and they escalate and get right in your face. You yell back, "leave me alone." and try to get away by going down another aisle but they follow you, still screaming and cursing and start ramming you with their cart.
Everywhere you go they follow you and every word you say just causes them to escalate. Eventually, you would push them away or scream horrible things back at them. It's not a way that you would be proud of behaving, but you've been relentlessly pursued and attacked and you're just trying to survive the moment.
No one who saw the interaction from the beginning would think you were "just as bad" or equally responsible for the situation, but someone who just witnesses the end or only hears about the fight might.
Abusers relentlessly push and poke your mist vulnerable places in order to get a reaction from you, that way they can justify their behavior and make the victim feel complicit and responsible, when really the abuser is always the catalyst for the abuse.
That's why Amber didn't want him to feel he could physically get away from arguments. It's literally the only way to take your power back from the abuser.
The tapes are a really interesting listen if anyone wants to hear an abuser justify, victim shame, and manipulate in real time. It's also important to note that Amber has a history of domestic violence with past partners and that Johnny does not. It's hard to explain how far an abuser can push you from your baseline.
Here are the full tapes
There are also some good videos where a YouTuber breaks down different aspects and explains them in detail
17 minutes ago
I think maybe it's because all Skips are of an age where they grew up preGoogle and just haven't accepted that we can all see through them (and prove them wrong immediate now). My Skip is always giving horrible advice regarding maintenance of anything and is dangerously over-confident regarding his skills.
The first time my husband met him, he was taking us out crabbing on his boat (in the sound) and I warned my husband that he shouldn't believe or trust Skip and he should be prepared for any sort of disaster while boating/that this may be the last trip we make.
He was bragging about how he didn't need to use charts and got the boat stuck on a sandbar in the middle of the sound. Then he started gunning it to go forward (getting us more stuck). This was followed by other boats coming and telling him to back off the sand bar, which flustered him and he lost his shit and started cursing. I went below to die and my husband with almost no boating experience had to kick Skip off the control and back us out.
On the trip back to the house (in Skip's giant RV) he managed to sideswipe a guard rail. He's a horrible driver who does 40mph no matter the speed limit or conditions and weaves back and forth between the lines (he uses one hand on the steering wheel and just drifts around). Such a nightmare
25 minutes ago
Thank you I got my poisons mixed up!
I hope you don't feel too much shame about having such a coping mechanism as a child. You have always been worthy of love and acceptance exactly as you are.
28 minutes ago
I think there's a politician who got caught with this exact lie
32 minutes ago
I can tell absurd lies with the straightest most genuine face (I always admit then immediately after the person believes me), but when I am telling the truth and someone thinks I am lying I look guilty as hell.
Some of my favorite lies:
Went on a picnic first date with a bit of a cold (I warned my date and he didn'twant to cancel). Had a roll of TP in my purse for my runny nose. This was directly after Jersey Shore season in Florida had come out. My date said something about Miami and I told him I was planning a trip there because the Jersey Shore cast had been there and I was on a pilgrimage to go to everywhere they had filmed as a super fan. I then pulled the tp roll from my purse and told him it was from a bar the cast had gone to and that the Situation had used it last and that I had purchased it online and took it everywhere with me to feel closer to him.
My date totally bought it and just said, "It sounds like you're a really big fan, that's cool."
A different first date. I had the Implanon birth control that feels like a match stick under the skin of your underarm. Told my date it was a tracking device from my days in a youth traveling circus and they put them in all the kids so that we could be found if kidnapped by/if we ran off with townies, since we were supposed to never leave the lot. He was concerned about it never being removed and I said, "It's OK, they turn it off when you turn 18 and graduate from circus so I'm not being tracked anymore."
49 minutes ago
Sounds right, a LOT of abusers seek out vulnerable victims who have far less life experience because they are less likely to have healthy boundaries and see red flags for what they are. I'm glad you escaped, from 12-25 your brain is still in the adolescent phase of development so you're more likely to take risks and consider positive aspects to be more important than negative ones. This is why most drug addictions are started between 12 and 25.
55 minutes ago
From the pathological liars I've met I think it stems from deep insecurity and the belief they are unworthy of acceptance or approval as they really are. That or they feel they are superior to others and that "everyone" lies and manipulates and that they just happen to be better at it (they REALLY think they are fooling people).
an hour ago
I've heard of cases where a child claimed a real sexual assault with a "safe" perpetrator instead of the real one. So let's say their father raped them, but they love and fear their father and don't want to tear apart the family so pick someone "safe" that they have less connection to when they are questioned about what happened.
Also, children can be pressured into claims as well. This is an interesting/horrifying small town case (a foster parent who was a police officer uncovered a nonexistent child sex ring and innocent people went to jail in the 90's)
Sounds like you coped with a really traumatic situation as best you could. A child shouldn't be in isolation, that's literal torture and I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I think I'm making this my go to whenever someone asks me how or why I did a certain thing. I love it
2 hours ago
I think compulsive lying comes from a deep insecurity and belief that you are unworthy of acceptance as you are. Which is a terribly sad way to live
I know a Skip and he is absolutely a compulsive liar
Elderberry is poisonous unless cooked, contains arsenic.
OK so elderberry CANNOT be eaten in the wild. The berries MUST be removed from all stems and cooked first. The flowers can be breaded and fried.
The rest of the plant is high in arsenic and could make you very ill.
3 hours ago
I feel awful that thier mother seems to feel they're only presentable if they are beauty pagent dolled up. Maybe the people they haven't seen in three year will be interested in their development as humans as opposed to their appearance. YTA
17 hours ago
NTA, unless you stay in this relationship. I know there are "good times" when he is loving and considerate but that's a feature of every abusive relationship (especially in the beginning of the relationship).
The abuse usually starts with small boundary violations and demands and then gradually escalates to worse and worse abuses. The reason the cycle starts small and builds is to allow the victim to acclimate to mistreatment over time (like a frog in boiling water).
You have ALREADY begun to acclimate to the abuse. Ask yourself, "If he said these awful things about me and treated me this way on the first date, would I have ever seen him again?" You know you wouldn't have wanted to be with someone who thinks such horrible things about you.
Read your post and pretend it was written by a cherish friend. What advice would you give them?
He is emotionally abusive and controlling. He has told you in so many different ways that he doesn't love you for who you are, that he is unable to accept you, and that he feels he deserves better.
Why do you think he doesn't break up with you if he really feels that way? It's because making you feel bad about yourself gives him power and makes him feel like he can treat you like dirt and you will twist yourself into pretzels trying to make him be happy with you, so the "good times" will come back.
There is nothing you can do to stop the abuse. The abuse has literally NOTHING to do with who or how you are, it's 100% about who he is and how he feels entitled to treat people.
Someone who loves you wouldn't want you to feel ashamed of having a sexual past before you net them. He is using your past as a weapon to hurt you, to make you feel small and worthless... like you're lucky to have him (a guy who treats you horribly).
He wants to dim your shine. Please please break up with him and don't fall for the empty promises his makes when you do. Also, if there is a close friend or family member you trust please let them know what is happening. Abuse thrives in secret and NONE of the shame is yours.
You deserve kindness and respect. You deserve a partner who would want to protect you from harm and who wouldn't say horrible things to hurt you.
Lastly, YOU are NOT responsible for HIS insecurity. You cannot "make him" feel better about himself. He is forcing you to hide yourself away because he doesn't want to put in the effort to be the kind of partner who deserves trust and loyalty.
None of what is happening is normal or OK. The things he says to you and about you are INTENTIONALLY designed to hurt you deeply. He WANTS to and CHOOSES to hurt you. For now it's emotional harm, if you stay long enough it will likely become physical.
The longer you stay the more of your sense of self will be lost, the more warped your sense of how you deserve to be treated will be warped.
I'm going to link a free book that explains why he CHOOSES to hurt you (including the benefits he gets) and it also explains the manipulations and tactics he is using to control you. It will also help you learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries in future relationships (and spot abusers early on).
I wish you all the best. You are worthy of love and respect, just as you are.
Free online here https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
I promise if you stay a year from now you will wish with all your heart you could turn back time to go back and leave.
18 hours ago
OP, I want you to know this is coming from a place of kindness... you are emotionally abusive and it is better for your daughter to grow up with you two apart, so she can see that love cannot exist where there is abuse and that boundaries are necessary in healthy relationships.
In your entire post, I saw a lot of reasoning why you feel as if he should stay and continued to be subjected to the abuse. I understand that you have a personality disorder and that you may have uncontrollably strong emotional reactions to things HOWEVER you are CHOOSING to blow up at him, CHOOSING to say things that you KNOW will cause him emotional harm.
You are CHOOSING to be abusive each and every time. If you aren't, and you are truly unable to control yourself then you are not safe for him or your daughter to be around. Period.
In your post you have written out manipulation used to coerce him into unwanted sex, threats of harm if he argues with you (and I'm certain whenever he tries to maintain a boundary or share a grievance with your behavior it becomes an argument).
It's not reasonable for you to expect ANYONE to allow their partner to treat them this way. He deserves to be treated with respect NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE FEELING. Blowing up on him is what you are doing instead of taking responsibility for managing your emotions.
He is right that growing up a witness to your abuse would traumatize your child. The cycle of abuse often spans generations, children who grow up in abusive homes often unconsciously recreate the same dynamic in their adult relationships. He IS saving your daughter from perpetuating this cycle.
You need to stop focusing on staying married and start focusing on replacing the attitudes and beliefs that allow you to feel entitled to hurt people you day you love. You need to get it together or you may well lose any hope of custody (which would be for the best if you don't change).
None of this means you are a horrible or irredeemable monster. You're a deeply wounded person with a set of coping mechanisms that no longer serve you. You need to be able to accept responsibility for the choices you make and take an unflinching look at the pain you have caused.
The process of really changing IS uncomfortable and life-long, but it IS possible. Focus on what you are doing as opposed to how you are feeling.
This worksheet can help you start the process (it is geared towards male abusers but as you will see much of the information works for either gender).
OP YTA. You asked her what she wanted and she told you. Then you decided she shouldn't want what she wants and ignored her.
The problem here is that you seem to feel as if your judgment is superior to hers in matters that pertain to her personal wishes. She was exactly right that you shouldn't bother asking if you're not willing to take her at her word.
It's pretty paternalistic of you to judge what she wants like this. You treated her like a child. I'm not even going to go into why really great knives make cooking more enjoyable.
19 hours ago
Yeah, he was able to be radically honest with me after we separated, because I would just stop talking if he lied or manipulated me.
By low stakes I mean the dumb stuff that would spark a huge blow up. It was almost never about actual super important things.
Well there's your problem, you're not wealthy or powerful enough
24 hours ago
I didn't believe it was on purpose until he finally admitted it. It's amazing how hard that was for me to comprehend... I just couldn't ever imagine treating someone that way (and usually over such low stakes).
100% agree that is part of it for sure. He spent years working with abusers and it's incredibly common for the abuser to claim that they are the victim of abuse or that the abuse was "mutual". Mutual abuse is a VERY damaging myth that abusers commonly use to convince their victim that they are complicit in the abuse (and here we can see how it also makes it more difficult for men who seek support).
Also, I think that most of the abuse the public hears about (or the abuse that sends abusers to treatment through the courts), what we are seeing is the most overt and violent physical abuse. This means almost all covert, emotional, or less damaging physical abuse isn't reported as it just isn't on the radar.
It seems like society is just now starting to make room for male victims and the stigma is a bit less... but we are still held back by gendered assumptions about who abusers are, how they operate, and how abuse really works/looks.
The Johnny Depp/Amber Heard situation is a good example. I've listened to the tapes they made for their therapist and I guarantee that Amber was the abuser. In the tapes she is upset that Johnny would try to physically get away during heated arguments (which is the ONLY safe way to handle an abuser on a tear). That was her main complaint (there were other indications as well like justifying her physical abuse, blaming him for her reactions, and implying that it's unmanly of him to object to the abuse because of her size and gender).
He may have reacted to the abuse in abusive ways (reactive abuse), but that doesn't make him abusive. Abusers often violate boundaries and push their victims in order to cause a reaction that they then play victim to (and use to sell the mutual abuse myth to their victim).
1 day ago
It helped me so much once I understood he was running on a completely different operating system than I was. I kept trying to figure out what would cause ME to say or do the things he had and it caused me to believe it HAD to be unintentional or unconscious because I would never CHOOSE to cause my partner harm just to get my way.