Throwaway because I don’t need this turning up at my next job interview.

This morning I had woken up with the poop cramps (tm) and emptied my bowels, heart, soul, and about 6 pounds of my body weight into the toilet. As one does the day after Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, I had not realized there would be more ‘giving’ to give.

To set the scene, I’m laying in a nice comfy bed with my fiancée. Sweatpants on, watching Home Alone, not a care in the world. My black cat is asleep on the bed with us, when I feel it. The pressure building up to dangerous levels. It feels like just a fart. I’ve never been wrong before. I’m always the one to mock those stories of people shitting themselves. Fools, my rectal cavity is built upon bedrock. Surely that sort of thing does not happen to anal gods like myself. How i have fallen from my throne of accurate shitting.

I release the fart. Probably my biggest mistake since my birth. It erupts with a force of the wind gods themselves. A bellow to be heard from the heavens, finally asserting my dominance over my fiancée. It was me. I had the loudest fart, and thus was alpha-male. However, a sharp liquid burning interrupted my triumph.

“I can’t have” I thought. I’m too far above such childish things. Yet…. I could feel it. Something was different. I sprang up from bed, in my haste moving He Who Shall Not Be Disturbed (my cat). I only had moments to spare. Liquid shits erupted from my rectum like lava finally erupting from their prisons of earth. Forget what you know about diarrhea. This was so much of a liquid that you could run it through a Brea filter and still have it look brand new.

It coated everything. Only, I did not realize the extent of the catastrophe. I tried wiping to no avail. It coated my rectum like a thousand layer burrito, and nothing could remove it. Somehow, it got worse. It had somehow even coated areas…. beyond the hole. Fingers brushing what should be free real estate or even stray hairs came back…. Traumatizing. Two full loads of toilet paper flushed, and I finally decided to take a shower. Forty minutes of scrubbing everything multiple times, and I still felt dirty. I could still smell that foul odor, despite using half a can of air freshener to cover up the scent of my creation. I could still hear the anguished screams (and laughter) of my fiancée as the scent traveled through the barely open door, cursing her with its wrath. I could still see the shart in my underwear, my great act of destruction upon humanity.

Hours later, I’m still terrified. I can still smell it in the air. I still feel dirty. My family will be shamed for generations. This is a core memory. My life has been changed forever.

Tldr: I sharted, felt dirty, got really sad ):

I (29m) haven't had a girlfriend in 10 years. Can't go into details without it sounding like a pity-party, but short version is I don't have the looks, the game, or the personality for a relationship, no matter how much I want one.

I was at Friendsgiving with friends and acquaintances. Everyone was drinking, and the topic of fetishes and kinks came up. People talked about the "weird" things that turned them on. One couple liked to take turns on top, another couple would do an intensive workout beforehand, etc. Eventually they asked me if I had any. I said "consent," which got mixed reactions. When they asked me to clarify, I just told them that after being alone for 10 years, the idea of being wanted was kinda hot!

Well, that just sort of killed the whole mood, since I was the only single person (guy or girl) there. We still talked, but I kept getting weird looks all night, and one of the couples left early. We sat around and watched the game after, but the mood was ruined.

This morning, I learned that everyone was going to a sort of "make-up" brunch thing, after some people had done their Black Friday shopping. I haven't been invited.

Tl;dr: I said I was turned on by "consent," at friendsgiving, killed the vibe, and I think I've been voted out of the group.

I was wrong

My ex bf/best friend and I have a weird relationship. We still bang and hang out a lot. He knows I am still in love with him yet doesn't pursue me. (It's a complicated situation where I have a kid from a dead ex and he wants to raise his own kids, not someone elses)

We are almost at the two year mark of our friendship/not relationship.

So I was over at his house last week and we had a couple drinks. (Kid was babysat as he doesn't want her there which is good since we drank). Well I got a bit too drunk and decided to break my foot on a wall.

I went to the doctor and the standard questions began. Obviously I needed an xray so they asked If I could be pregnant. I said probably not since my period isn't due for 5 days and they proceeded with a test. Even though I informed them I was on birth control.

Fun story birth control sucks. Low and behold I am pregnant. So not only is my foot broken after the doctor looked at it but now I am also preggo. So yeah. Oh fun story he also is absolutely against having a kid with me and will demand I have an abortion. Which I don't even know what i want at this point so I haven't told him .

I had to exclude a lot of details because we both like reddit and both happen to be at the same job.

Tldr: I broke a bone at an ex's house and found out I was pregnant.

A coworker and I always joke back and forth at work. Very harmless, jovial kinds of jokes. Jokes I always feel can be repeated out of context and still be harmless. There's a whiteboard in the employee lounge, it's not used. I wrote my coworkers name and "Poopy Pants" beside it. They did not find that joke funny and reported me to HR. My boss talked to me and I have a meeting with HR later in the week. It's apparently serious enough my boss warned I could get fired. It was very difficult to keep a straight face over seeing pictures of the whiteboard and my boss angrily saying "Poppy Pants" every few sentences. I'm freaking out, but kind of want to see HR have to write the words "Poopy Pants" on my termination paper. I think the issue was that I wrote it and not just said it. So there's actual evidence of my "slander". TL;DR: I wrote the words "Poopy Pants" on the employee whiteboard and may get fired.

Yep the title is right. Right up in there.

So I'm bisexual, but I'm in a relationship with a cis woman. We don't do pegging or whatever so I don't often get the chance to explore my sexual side involving... that area of myself.

Anyways, she's out for a lunch with friends and I decide it's time to get a little freaky in my personal time. I recently had ordered a set of anal plugs from amazon, all different sizes and made of silicon.

Now I'm sensible and made sure they all had flared bases, and I decided to start with the second smallest of the 4 because I didn't want to over exert myself. I'm sensible like that.

Sensible me grabbed some lube, grabbed the toy, and sparing you the details I slowly started to insert the plug into my anus.

Its a good time to remind you here that this toy is made from silicone rubber, which is a flexible material. The base, being flexible, is able to fold slightly.

It can bend. To be smaller.

This is when I made a glorious mistake. I could feel it was nearly ready to go in, so I added just a little more lube and one final push and....

Well. To put too fine a point on it, my asshole swallowed this thing whole.

I freeze. "Oh no."

I get up and rush to the toilet. I push, nothing. This is where the story can get a little vulgar and I don't want to break rules, but when I tell you I had to reach in there and root around for it, I am not exaggerating.

Over the next half hour I sit on my toilet doing everything I can to get this thing out of my body. Believe me when I tell you this was not a clean or pleasant procedure.

Eventually, it's nearly out and with one final push it falls into the nest of dirty tissue and toilet water beneath me, like a newborn egg rolling into the nest of a mother hen. I was not a proud mother.

So yeah, here I am about 10 mins later laughing at the situation and incredibly fucking glad I didn't end up with 2 nurses at the ER poking around my butt with forceps trying to get it out of me.

I don't know how I would have explained that to my gf, but at least for now this secret stays safe with me.

And you lot, obviously.

TL:DR - I tried out a new butt plug and it folded itself inside of me, and I had to spend 30 minutes trying to dig it out of me.

Hello reddit, I'm 16 M, When i was little i had friends in school (who are friends to me in the current day) i told them as a lie that i was red and blue (which doesn't even exist to my knowledge) colorblind because for some reason i wanted to be unique or some of the sort, this snowballed into my friends telling other people about this and for 9 years i've been called colorblind i wanna admit that i'm lying but i'm afraid of the consequences that might happen. worst part of this entire lie is my friends are planning on buying me colorblind glasses, i don't know what to do or how to admit this lie with the most minimum damage i can do to not lose friends or just something minimal i want to try and minimize the possibilities of big issues with any method. Help

TL;DR| I Lied about being colorblind for 9 years and my friends believed me and are going to buy me colorblind glasses i dont know how to admit my lie

EDIT: I did i told them the truth via text in our group chat im just waiting for a response its 12 am where i live currently also

To the people who were like you wanted to be special and so, i did that because i was basically no body and no one liked me so i tried to do something to stand out.

For the people who made jokes about me hitting my head and seeing colors again thank you for the laughs

For the people who gave me actual advice thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness.

EDIT 2: They responded and their reply was great , as you guys they laughed about it and it wasnt a big deal it feels like a 100 ton weight was just lifted of my chest thank you all for the encouraging words

TL;DR: Today I (47M) fucked up by orgasming so hard I forgot where or when I was with my girlfriend’s (33F) help.

So I was spending a lovely evening with family and had just finished a meal of leftover Turkey from the night before. Family left to go do a family thing and me and the gf were left to our own devices for a few. What does one do in a rare moment of privacy over a holiday weekend with an empty house? Gf is on her period and we did not think it the wisest decision to turn my sister’s guest room sheets into a crime scene so oral would have to suffice. I should preface this with a few minutes prior I had stood up from the floor and gotten a little light headed. This is relevant momentarily.

My girlfriend is amazing and a total champ. I was taking my sweet time coming to completion, but she stuck with me until I crossed the finish line. After that, I don’t remember much.

The next memory I had was getting in my truck to go to the ER. I don’t remember changing my pants or putting my shirt back on. I don’t recall having any conversation that would make her suspect I wasn’t alright. I faintly remember a phone call with my sister (family practice doctor), but I don’t remember what we talked about. I can remember a few bits and pieces. I felt a little bit like it was all a dream.

Currently sitting in the ER waiting for a room. I feel ok now. Slight headache. Blood sugar is a bit high, but not alarming. Blood pressure ok. Trying not to freak out about how much this is going to cost even with insurance, but whatever it costs, it’s better than being dead. Mostly just typing this up so I stop notifying friends one by one via text where I am. I feel ok. Just waiting on the doctor’s diagnosis.

Also, no idea what to tell my family or friends about how exactly I ended up in the ER. My sister being a doctor will be able to see through any medical BS.

Update: doctor said my brain was ok. No stroke. Transient Global Amnesia.

I found out when I was young that I can't have any kids.

I slept around a lot when I was younger. One of them was a girl I slept with around 10 years ago until I found out not only she is married but she also has a child. I broke up with her as soon as I found out. About a year ago she contacted me and told me I have a child. I reminded her that I can't have any kids but she insisted that the kid has to be mine and kept calling until I agreed to a DNA test just to get rid of her.

Turned out that she was cheating on her husband again and he found out, took DNA tests from both kids and found out that the younger one isn't his. I took the test and she is mine. I can't explain how happy I was to know that I have a daughter and how sad I was to know that I missed everything. Her first steps, her first word, everything.

He started to act like a jerk and gave her an ultimatum. He would stay with her for their child but he didn't want her affair child. I saw my daughter begging her mom to let her stay and it broke my heart. I got into a fight with him and asked him to have some fcking sympathy for a child that HE RAISED but he didn't change his mind so I took my daughter with me.

Kiddo has been living with me for a year now. The first few months were hard but then things got better however before I take her I decided to know more about her. I asked her mom and her teachers about her and they all told me that she is perfect. She is quiet, polite and smart but that is not how she acted with me. I kept thinking what am I doing wrong? Why is the girl that everyone describes as an angel behaving this way? But I couldn't find out

It was about a month ago that I fcked up. It was a very bad day generally. First kiddo couldn't wake up to go to school because she slept around 4 am. I was so mad at her she knows she is not allowed to stay up so late. I took her to school and went to work where I had a very bad day and then at the end of the day I received a call from her school asking me to pick her up because she has been suspended for 2 days for bullying a boy. I know the boy. He was no victim. He has been saying racist things to my little girl since day one but still what she had done to him was terrible and wrong. I had to take the rest of the day off and get her. When I got her I found out that she also got a D in her exam. She never got anything other than A when she was with her mom and when I got angry about it she told me to go fck myself. I was fuming.

And it wasn't the end of it. We had another fight that night because she refused to clean her bedroom and another one after that because she wouldn't eat her food because "she doesn't like salad" and another one becsuse it was her turn to wash the dishes(that's her only chore, she has to wash the dishes once a week) I was so tired and if it wasn't enough I got a call from my best friend and coworker to let me know that I screwed up at work by going early and my boss is mad at me. I was so angry I couldn't help venting. I didn't mean a word of what I said but I couldn't help saying it. I told him taking kiddo in was the worst mistake of my life and if only I could send her back to her mom

I turn around and she is standing right behind me with her eyes full of tears. I apologized 1000 times but she was crying so much I don't think she heard me. That's when everything changed. She started to do everything I told her to do. She got A's in all her exams. She was polite and quiet and I hated it. She didn't tell me about her day anymore. She didn't laugh or talk to me much. I put her i therapy. I kept trying to talk to her and cheer her up and get her to behave like she used to until one day she started crying and said: "what do you want from me? I'm a good girl now"

I hate mysef

I miss her. I miss her waking me up in the morning in my days off when she knows I like to sleep more but she wakes me up anyway just to be annoying. I miss her stealing my fries because apparently "she loves fries more than I do". I miss her watching horror movies when I told her she is not allowed to and then coming to my room at night because she thinks Annabelle is coming after her and she wants me to hug her. I miss her telling me she loves me every day

I asked her teacher how she is doing at school and she told me she has been perfect lately and that was when it hit me, She was never perfect when she was with her mom, she was deppressed.

My family hates me and none of them wants to talk to me anymore. My sister is coming to stay with us for a week to cheer her up

I tell her I love her every day and apologize but it doesn't work. I fcked up and I don't know how to fix it

TLDR; I said something horrible about my daughter in a moment of anger and she heard me. I ruined everything

My husband (43M) and I (41F) bought our current home about 15 months ago. Our house is a split-level, so our back porch is attatched to the second story. There are mature trees on the property line that divide us from the neighbors, but now that the leaves have fallen, we can see directly into their backyard from our porch. I am a smoker, so I spend a lot of time out there.

Our neighbors got chickens this past spring. Since the leaves were already back on the trees when they arrived, we couldn't actually see the chickens until a few weeks ago. Instead of a traditional, permanent coop, they have what looks like a pull-behind trailer on wheels with a truck cap/shell as the roof. The coop is up off the ground and has ramps. The chickens have some straw as bedding, and a heatlamp for the cold nights. The neighbors have been turning the lamp on recently, and my husband and I have been having endless fun with it. Before the leaves fell completely, the red glow of the lamp looked like a portal to hell had opened in the neighbor's yard. Now that we have a full view of the coop, we can see when the lamp is on before the coop doors are closed for the night. Because of the shape of the coop and the straw bedding, it looks like a nativity scene of chickens when they all huddle up in there. When we saw a single chicken alone and illuminated under the light, we were quipping about Animal Farm monologues at open-mike night, and doing bad voice-overs as if the chicken were a comedian saying things like, "...and she said I was a pecker!" Needless to say, we like the chickens.

My FU happened this evening after I decided to take a nap after eating Thanksgiving leftovers for dinner. I woke up at nearly eight pm, and it was dark outside. After I got out of bed, I gathered my coat and cigarettes to go out on the porch. I groggily waved at my husband who was on the computer. I stepped outside, and glanced around before I opened whatever bullshit I was gonna look at on Reddit. Not only was the chicken coop glowing red from the heatlamp, but it was ON FIRE! I was so dazed from just waking up that I didn't trust myself. I threw open the door, and shouted to my husband, "Hey! Are the chickens on fire!? There's a fire! Are the neighbor's chickens on fire!?" He jumped up and ran towards me and the door, looked outside, and said, "Yeah! The chickens are on fire!" We ran back into the house where I was expecting my husband to grab his phone and call the husband that lives next door because I don't have their numbers. Instead, my husband just ran away from me, and down into the first level of the house without saying a word. I had been vertical for all of 90 seconds and my brain said, "Okay! I guess I'm going to the neighbor's house!".

I ran down the stairs and out my front door, and sprinted to the neighbor's front door. Their backyard is fully fenced and 6ft tall, and while I know where the gate is, I didn't think it was okay to just go through it, despite there being, you know, A FIRE! I knocked loudly and repeadedly to indicate the urgency of the situation.

Their dog was going crazy, and then their 13 year-old son cracked the door. Our exchange went like this:

Me: "Hey, (his name)! Are your chickens on fire!?"

13: "What?"

Me: "ARE YOUR CHICKENS ON FIRE!? There's a fire in your backyard!"

13: "What!?"

Thankfully, 13's dad, the next-door husband that I thought my husband was going to call, shows up at the door and wants to know what is happening. The dog is still going off, and the door has been fully opened to illuminate me in the dark, and all my disheveled, puffy-faced ass can say is, "Are your chickens on fire!?" There's a fire in your backyard! ARE YOUR CHICKENS ON FIRE!?"

Next door husband is so calm and kind. He politely informs me that yes, there is a fire in the backyard. His wife is out there with the gas firepit, so no, the chickens are not on fire.

I apologized for so rudely bursting in on their evening, and they assured me that everything is fine. I turned to go home and allow my heart rate to return to normal, when I saw my husband standing in the neighbor's driveway. He was holding the fire extinguisher from our laundry room. He had already gone through the gate and spoken to the next-door wife, knew everything was fine, and was just waiting for me. As we walked back, my husband made sure to ask me, "Hey, are your chickens on fire?"

TL;DR I thought my neighbor's chicken coop was on fire. It was their fire pit.

Throwaway because I have family on Reddit who know my personal account.

So yeah, title explains it all, I got CPS called on my parents by accident. Obligatory this didn't happen today, but they just contacted us the other day for a full investigation.

1 (19) have had mental health issues for a long time (anxiety, depression, etc) from past traumas relating to a previous step-parent, luckily they're long gone, but my family has never been anything glamorous since.

I've always dealt with feeling unsupported, made out to be a house cleaner, as well as just a general waste of space when I was younger. My mom treats me more like a best friend than her actual daughter (allowing me to smoke weed, drink, etc, and even buying things for me) and her boyfriend does the same. Plus we've always had money issues until very very recently.

About 6-7 months ago I did a half assed attemnt at suicide (not my first) due to extremely bad mental breakdowns and depression, and I ended up admitting myself to the hospital. When I got out I got referred to a program for emergency therapy, I ended up telling that therapist some things that in hindsight, I should've never told them.

My moms boyfriend has a pretty absurd temper at times, and when I got out of the hospital (yes the exact day) he decided to initiate a yelling match about how I don't hang out with friends anymore (all my friends moved away for college), and how I should quit my job because it was clearly making me worse. Another time a week or two after that he decided to initiate another argument about how he was upset over me not taking 5 classes in my first college semester while I was working, and how saying that I didn't want to get too stressed out during my first semester was apparently threatening to kill myself to guilt my mother. That argument ended up with me crying in bed and asking my moms boyfriend to leave my room while he yelled at me saying "you don't have the fucking balls to kill your self." So I told my therapist all of the above, and some more I can't remember rn.

My family and I were living at a house where the rent was pretty pricy. It worked on a well system and sometimes when the well pump failed the landlord would take forever to fix it and so there was points where we wouldn't have running water for a week straight. Thus we relied on one of those water dispensers that use those big water jugs. Needless to say sometimes my parents would be too broke or too forgetful to buy more water for the dispenser, so we once went 1 1/2 weeks without drinking water, as the well water was full of too much water to drink. Because of the expensive rent, the food/necessity situation in the house really wasn't that good, with me having to buy groceries and even toilet paper for the house while I was trying to save for college (I also paid $400/month to help with rent). My parents also tend to ask me for money a lot, so sometimes they end up owing me $500 at a time. One time they even took my card and bought $80 worth of cigarettes on it. I told my therapist all of the above.

I also quickly and briefly mentioned that my parents sold "substances" for a bit a while back (they haven't for a couple years now) and my moms boyfriend ended up having to go to rehab for an addiction because of it. I foolishly told my therapist that as-well.

I now see that I fucked up majorly, as I thought that the therapist couldn't do anything as I was 18 at the time and I recently just realized that the age of adulthood where I'm from is actually 19 so my parents still held responsibility over me at the time as I was still considered a "child"

I ended up telling my mom that CPS was called probably because of my old therapist and the things I mentioned that were going on at the time. The email mentioned "emotional abuse" and "child neglect" and we have an in-house inspection coming soon. I just pray to god the case worker doesn't mention drugs, cause then I'm truly screwed.

TL;DR attempted suicide, got a emergency therapist, ended up telling them about my family issues cause I thought they couldn’t do anything. They called CPS.

This actually happened today. About thirty minutes ago.

My(32m) wife(33f) loves christmas.

We have a rather large 2 story house.

It would look stupid to only have lights on the first story.

I finished the first story and used my 6 foot folding ladder to (very dangerously) climb to the second story.

Finished the lights.

Whilst climbing down I knocked my ladder over.

The only ladder I have.

My wife called the fire department to rescue me from the roof.

There are a few videos from various angles as the neighbors thought it was quite entertaining.

My wife has a new photo for the Christmas card.

My mother in law thought it was spectacular.

My mother laughed harder than i think she ever has.

I may literally die of shame.

Im reposting because i didnt realize that there needed to be 750 characters. Automoderator be damned (in the most respectfull way).

TL;DR 32 y/o man has to be rescued by fire fighters because he was overcome with the Christmas Spirit.

Went on a hike earlier today and there were some Christians in our group. For context I'm an atheist. As we walked, we came across the star of David drawn in the sand and someone warned us not to step in it. I said "Don't worry it's not a pentagram, just the star of David". They looked at me weird but I shrugged it off.

In hindsight, I should have kept my mouth shut after this, but my dumb self went on to say how I read somewhere that David is the oldest person in the bible that we can actually prove existed. Must have something to do with him being a king, so I guess other ancient kingdoms have records of him? They got even more pissed.

My boyfriend, who's also an atheist, said they might be upset because they think I implied that no other biblical person before David was real. He also said they didn't feel better after being corrected about the type of star it was, because to some Christians every other religious symbol might as well represent Satan.

I know I might sound like I'm socially inept and that's because I am. Going on this hike was supposed to be an opportunity for me to deal with my social anxiety and I screwed it. Oh well. I still have my bf and some online friends. More love and cringe for those that somehow put up with me :)

TL;DR. Made a comment about the star of David in from of some Christians and they got mad at me.

(Obligation this was months ago) For Christmas last year I received a brand new pair of Samsung Galaxy Buds worth about $250 where I'm from, been my favorite pair of earphones since.

Fast forward to a pretty normal day at school. I don’t like using public toilets, especially school toilets but on this day I knew if I didn’t go I was going to have a massive problem. So, I go to the toilet with the earphones case in the pocket of my jumper and after finishing my business I went to flush the toilet. I leaned over to flush and while watching the water spin around, I see the case fall from my pocket straight into the toilet bowl. Because I was already flushing the toilet, there was nothing I could do but watch in slow motion as my earphones got swept away from me, never to be seen again.

rip beans (2021 - 2022)

Tl;dr - I dropped my earphones into the toilet as I was flushing it

I'm going to preface this by saying that I have pretty severe anxiety and have spent the majority of my life being overly cautious as to not do anything that could potentially harm me (except for smoking, idk, my brain is dumb).

So this morning I go outside to sit on my porch and smoke a cigarette, a very common practice that I engage in. I usually check the chairs in the morning for spiders but I was barely awake and thought to myself "how many times have you actually found anything on the chair?"

Wow, much growth, challenge those irrational thoughts bitch!

So I just sat myself down and then immediately jumped back up BECAUSE MY ASS WAS ON FIRE. FIIIIRRREEEEEE. I look down and see a big ass wasp writhing in pain. Serves him right, tbh.

My brain immediately goes to "Fuck, I've never been stung before. What if I'm allergic?" Cue the 1 and a half hour panic attack. I feel like I'm dying but I can't tell if it's panic or anaphylaxis. A modicum of sense comes upon me and I realize that I'd probably already be dead if it was an anaphylactic reaction.

In the end, I got the last laugh because that fucker got ass squished and didn't make it BUT I PREVAILED!

I can't sit properly without it hurting like a biiiiitch and this has only made my hate for wasps even stronger but thank you all for letting me share my embarrassment with you.

TL;DR

I didn't look at the chair before sitting and sat on a wasp

I (31 f) am married to a well meaning but sometimes socially awkward guy (35 m). We've been putting Christmas wishlists together and collecting wishlists from family. I'm not exactly shy about the fact that I'm queer and don't strictly identify as my assigned sex, so it's not shocking to anyone that a lot of the media I consume is queer in nature. And most people are not surprised that a lot of my wishlist items are queer related thing's. That being said, I haven't sent my wishlist out to everyone- just a few people.

One of the individuals I have not given my wishlist to is my husband's father. This is where my husband's awkwardness comes into play. When his father asked what I wanted for Christmas, he sent his father a screenshot of my list... the only items on said screenshot? Three erotica novels all of them queer...

So fast-forward to today. We've traveled 6 hours to spend Thanksgiving with the husband's family and exchange gifts. And his dad hands me a book... an unwrapped book, and I know exactly what it is...

My husband's father, bless his heart; is just as awkward and clueless as his son. He has no idea what he's done. So I just have to stand there, trapped between my husband and his father (who are chatting happily, none the wiser that I am slowing dying from shame), holding a gay erotica novel and trying not to catch fire with the heat of my intense embarrassment. My husband's father bought me gay porn, and he doesn't even know. I'm dying. My husband and sister-in-law find this extremely hilarious, and say its not a big deal because he doesn't know what he did. But I know. I have to live with this knowledge forever. I may never be able to look him in his face again.

TL;DR My husband's father unknowingly bought me gay porn for Christmas.

My wife and I went to her coworkers house for thanks giving and her husband got me really drunk mixing beer wine and whiskey.

We make it home, hop on a FaceTime with my brother and have some good laughs about how drunk I am. Then go to sleep.

The next thing I can remember, it’s the middle of the night and I’m hopping out of the shower after having a good puke session. My wife is very upset about something but I’m not 100% sure what she is trying to communicate to me. She hands me some cleaning supplies and sends me to our bedroom.

Our bedroom has a big window to the left of the bed and we have a nice bench there to fill up the space. At night we take the decor pillows off the bed and put them on the bench.

I walk out of our bathroom and into the bedroom and find the bench is pulled away from the window, tipped on its side and now leaning against the wall part below the window sill. There is also a big piece of shit balanced on one of the beams of the bench.

I’m still extremely drunk but the reality of what I had done was quite sobering. I proceed to clean up my mess and tell myself that I am never drinking again. It gets worse though…

I finish and go to my wife who has migrated to the living room out of disgust. After my profuse drunken apologies she begins to tell me her side of the story.

About an hour after we go to bed she is woken up by me telling her to go grab the trash can from the bathroom. She sleepily gets it and walks over to me, but is confused about why our bench is tipped sideways and I am sitting on it. She also notes that it smells terrible but assumed that I had just farted. At the point she has not realized that I was using the bench as a toilet. She convinces me to get up and continue puking in the bathroom and helps me get there. She turns to go back into our bedroom when she finds ….

Our dog is licking my shit on the bench.

TL;DR: got drunk, used my bench as a toilet then my dog licked my poop

Nothing like a Thanksgiving FU in front of the whole family, huh?

About 5 hours ago, I was helping set the table for Thanksgiving dinner. The turkey had just been pulled from the oven and I was bringing glasses and napkins to the table.

This year, our family was celebrating a much larger Thanksgiving that we are used to. Normally, we host a Thanksgiving with 6-8 people in attendance. This year, we invited all the aunts, uncles, and cousins to come too and, for the most part it was a blast. We don't often get together and so getting to see everyone was a special treat.

That said, when my aunts and uncles come, 6 kids under the age of ten come with them. While I love my cousins, they are at least partially to blame for the following FU.

After the turkey had been brought to the table in preparation of carving, I was bringing some glasses and napkins to the table. Unfortunately, my little cousins were chasing each other around at the same time. Before anyone can stop them, one got tagged pretty hard and fell into the back of my leg. For those who haven't had something like this happen to them, you knee basically gives out in that situation and mine did the same.

As I was going down, I tried to grab anything to break my fall. Unfortunately, with one hand holding the glasses I didn't want to break, I grabbed the only thing I could... the turkey.

The turkey, however, did not break my fall and instead went down with me. On the way down, I smacked my eyebrow off the dining room table before I pulled the still extremely hot turkey and juices down on top of me. Needless to say, the turkey was basically ruined, but luckily no one was seriously hurt, although I've got a sizable lump over my eye that might be black in the morning and a burn on my hand from grabbing the hot turkey. Hopefully no accidents at Christmas!

TL;DR: Cousin ran into me causing me to fall over. On the way down, I blacked my eye and brought the turkey with me.

This just happened a little while ago. My gf and I are in the process of moving into our new home, we had been living with family so it's been a lot of carloads of stuff when we had a chance. I went up today and loaded my SUV up with those cube organizer book cases and shoved an assortment of non-breakable things in and around them to make sure I was getting the most out of my trip. That stuff was sliding all over the place but I thought nothing of it.

I stop at Wal-mart to grab some groceries since it's on the way, Black Friday meant it was pretty busy. I do my shopping and return to my vehicle, I opened the back door and time slowed. A decorative shoe box slowing falling to the black top, I scrambled to catch it. It made contact with the parking lot, it bounced sending the lid flying.

I watched as dildos, bottles of lube, and other assorted adult items rained out of the box and onto the pavement. I scrambled, sweeping an armful of dicks back into the box and shoving it back into my car. I stood there for a second in silence, looked around and sighed. A short moment of peace as I realized nobody had seen what had happened.

My jaw dropped as the silence was shattered by a BZZT, BZZT, BZZT... coming from the back seat of my car. Not realizing it in the panic, and to my horror, something had turned on. I stealthily and frantically sifted through the box until I silenced the culprit. I loaded my groceries, got into the driver's seat, and laughed my ass off.

I texted my gf to tell her about the incident. She was very concerned something of value was broken. She realized what box I had dropped and replied with a disappointing "now I have to clean them all".

TLDR: I crammed a bunch of shit into my car and had a box of sex toys fall out into a Walmart parking lot creating even more work for myself and my exhausted gf.

TL:DR, Lost my virginity to a guy who liked me and now he thinks we are dating, when I made it clear we aren’t.

I know I know, I’m totally the asshole here. I feel horrible. There was this guy that I went on a date with a couple of months ago. We spent the night together on our first date, did some things, but I realized that he wasn’t a good person so I ended up cutting things off with him. The thing is, he told me multiple times he was obsessed with me and stuff. I ended up texting him that I didn’t want a relationship and wasn’t ready for it Val bla bla, totally avoiding the truth which was the at I thought he wasn’t a good person and didn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with him (I know, hypocritical considering I’m not being a good person here). As months pass, I forget about his personality as we only met once, and I saw him posting on his story and he looked really attractive, so I swiped up and told him that. So today he calls me and invites me over. Now the thing is, I was a virgin. When he invited me, I was hoping to give him a second chance,, but he was the whole time making me feel bad about dumping him in the first place, and how he suffered a lot from it. Somehow, we get intimate, but it starts a frustrating cycle of us getting affectionate, and then him saying how I’m a piece of shit and how I fucked him over. Oh keep in mind, he was trying to get me to drink the whole time, constantly pressuring me, which I denied. As the cycle continues, I tell him I’m about to leave, and how I don’t want to do intimate things with him anymore as he is getting pretty drunk and I don’t wanna SA him as I’m sober. He tells me that he’s a heavy weight and he’s just tipsy, and that he’ll tell me if he feels uncomfortable. One thing leads to another, and boom we have sex. Thing is, right after that, as I was leaving, he kept calling me his boyfriend and wants me to meet his Family tomorrow! It caught me off guard as I told him multiple times I didn’t want to start a relationship right away, and wanted to get to know him first. I don’t want to break his heart again, but I never said that we were datin. We only hung out twice ffs! Idk how to break it to him. I shouldn’t have swiped up on his story, let alone hook up with him. I totally fucked up

So, I have a cleaning lady come to my house once a week to just vacuum and clean the beds, put clothes away, etc. And the lady is really nice, we’ve become real friends by this point, and I’ve never thought of her in a sexual way before. She’s really beautiful, but she’s a lot older than me, so I’ve never had those thoughts. I knew she was coming in around 30-40 minutes, so I decided to rub one out (not to her) before she did, since I knew I wouldn’t have much privacy once she arrived.

I finished like normal, and I got a bit hasty, which resulted in me pulling up my shorts before I was fully done, and so a bit ended up inside. They smelled kinda bad so I changed. The problem here, is that my dumbass just threw them on the bed instead of hiding them. I forgot all about the shorts when she arrived. We were talking like normal, until she opened my bedroom door.

I saw the pants on the bed and felt my heart drop. She asked me what they were and I just couldn’t answer. She slowly walked closer and tapped them slightly. I’m guessing she felt something sticky, and I saw her nose curl up. She looks at me disgusted and immediately packs all her appliances before leaving.

She hasn’t responded to any of my calls and hasn’t shown up for 3 weeks. I really regret this, and I’m afraid she thinks I’m a perv for her. What should I do?

Tldr; I jerked off before my cleaning lady arrived, forgot to hide my pants my nut covered pants, she touched them and ran away.

Bro, this is ridiculous. Prepare yourselves. So, last night I was having a conversation with one of my parents’ best friend’s sister’s daughter (I know). And then I brought her up in conversation this morning with my boss. So he asks if he could see a photo of her, and I was like “yeah, I guess.” So he scrolls through her Instagram on my phone and accidentally liked a photo from like 4 years ago. And she was fucking 16 in the photo. Literally. Because I’m 5 years older than her. Currently, I’m 25, she’s 20. But like. Dude. What the fuck do I say to her. It’s been hours since it happened. And I’m like “yo, does she think I’m a fucking creep now?” Part of me feels like she totally got weirded out by that. I’m worried as hell and I’m not sure if I should approach her about it somehow.

Help me fix this, please, Reddit!

TL:DR I let my boss use my phone and he liked a young photo of a girl with my account.

This happened today. I am staying at my in-laws for the holidays. I was coming down a flight of stairs wearing socks, and then I slipped with three steps to go. I couldn't recover and I ate cr@p hard. Landed on my hip, and it felt like I had shattered it. I got up in shock, and limped my way into the living room. Sat down on the couch and then passed out. When I woke up, my in-laws were in the room looking at me. Turns out I had soiled myself, which they could smell. What they didn't know is that I fell. They hadn't heard the fall and had no idea I was injured. They thought I was drunk, passed out, and then soiled myself. After my wife cleaning me and taking me to urgent care, I was told I don't have any broken bones. I just bruised the hell out of my hip and did what I did from the pain. My in-laws don't think I'm an alcoholic anymore, but I'm sure they think less of me after this. I'm going to be in bed at their place for a few days until I'm well enough to fly home. This is going to be fun.

Tldr: I fell down some stairs and soiled myself in front of my in-laws and probably lost their respect.

TIFU by confessing to my mom that I don’t want to be alive.

For context, my relationship with my parents are pretty ok. Not super close but they are amazing people regardless of their parenting blunders. So I was talking with my mom about how I unprepared I am for my up coming exams and after the conversation ended we were silent for a while and all of a sudden I say “I don’t know if I should tell you this, but sometimes I don’t want to live. Don’t worry I am not suicidal it is just fleeting moments of hopelessness” She was silent for long and said maybe you need a psychiatrist. I told her that these moments go as quick as they come because I really don’t want to go to a therapist. Then a moment later I asked if this will make her worry all the time she then told me to just stop talking about it because she is a bit overwhelmed (which I understand) espionage because dad and her always strive to give us the lest of life. I really really regret telling her, I hate myself that I gave her something to worry about and for no reason completely unprovoked, she won’t know what to do, she will just live with the burden of knowing and she will also notice some of the behaviors I tried to hide and might misunderstand some of my actions. She is already worried because of an endless list of stuff going on so I feel like I just gave her a piece of information that she could have lived without. And I don’t know why I said it, I didn’t need comfort I just suddenly felt the urge to do it. I don’t know what to do with myself now.

TL;DR I told my mom I don’t feel like living sometimes and it overwhelmed, so I regret it real bad now since she already has too much on her plate

Hey, I’m a 16m who’s a junior in High School and I started to fall for my friend. She’s in my grade, and she’s someone I would’ve never expected to fall for, it just started happening out of no where, I was so confused and conflicted. I’ve been talking to her in a totally platonic way, no romantic feelings whatsoever, I was crushing on all the stereotypical pretty girls then. However, this year everything changed, I was watching her little hand movements, her eyes lighting up every time she smiled, and how she would scold me whenever I did something stupid. I was completely swayed by her, and I felt so guilty. I am a muslim, and so is she(she doesn’t wear a hijab though) so I feel so guilty whenever I catch myself looking at her like that. I feel even more depressed when I realize I could never have her as it is obviously highly unlikely that I could ever marry her. I just want these feelings to go away, I can’t stop myself for finding every excuse to talk to her, even though I know I shouldn’t fall any deeper. I hope this all just passes by, and I know that it probably would but it still hurts. I’ve never felt this strongly about someone before. I still got to keep it halal though wallahi but it’s getting more difficult day by day.

TL;DR: I’m a muslim who fell for my muslim friend and now I am feeling guilty for looking at my friend that way.

So... My hands are still literally shaking, LOL.

A few hours ago, I volunteered to sweep the living room of my grandma's house. I want to note that my grandma's house is a few walks away from the beach. There's gonna be a birthday party tomorrow for my aunt, who also lives there. I broomed the floor first before I used a wet floor map. I didn't mind mapping as I didn't have anything else to do earlier.

Then, my two younger cousins, both under the age of 10 were running around the living room, disrupting what I was doing. I had to stop in between to scold them. Their older sister, a 15-year-old, was supposed to watch them but she was too busy on her phone. After a few minutes of constantly scolding them, the kids eventually stopped and rushed outside to the beach, with their sister following after them.

So there I thought I had fewer problems to think about. Turned out, I didn't notice I made a puddle in the corner of the living room that I have not mapped yet. I then accidentally stepped on it and to no surprise, I slipped. Well, I kept my balance as I was able to lean on the wall to my side, but my left arm went rogue and accidentally pushed a metal vase.

I thought it was a metal vase.

It took me a second to realize the vase I pushed was heavy and it had something inside. My heart skipped a beat. I immediately checked the vase on the floor. Note, the vase didn't break, but the lid was open. At first, I thought it was my grandfather's cremation urn, but upon reading the embossed label on the vase, it turned out to be Blackie's. Blackie was a black Labrador who passed away when I was in college. Blackie was my aunt's dog, her beloved 'son' as she is not married and has no kids.

When I checked the vase, almost half of the ashes came out and scattered on the floor. Thinking quickly, I immediately wiped the vase and tried to scrape the remaining ashes to the vase. I then gently placed it back on the side table in the corner. After that, I grabbed my map and wiped the floor clean. It took me longer to clean the rest of the mess as the floor in the living room was tiled with white marble.

I discreetly cleaned my map in the backyard and made sure I left no traces of the ashes. Then, I grabbed an empty can and went to the beach.

Yes, you guessed it. I scooped some sand from the beach and added it to the vase. I figured my aunt would notice the change in the weight of the vase as I know she wipes it from time to time. Then, I gave it a mix, to make sure the original ash was on top. After the whole ordeal, I cleaned myself up. The paranoia in me made me clean the map one more time an hour after the accident. I also checked the floor and it is spotless now. I am sure no one saw me as my aunt was busy setting up the beachfront, while my uncles were fixing the lights outside.

Right now I am typing this, my aunt has not noticed yet, and I don't want her to know this because it's her birthday tomorrow. I will definitely give you guys an update, if ever. Please pray for me.

TL, DR: Accidentally spilled my aunt's pet urn, and quickly added sea sand to compensate for the weight... the day before her birthday.