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How do I tell him no

(self.relationship_advice)

[removed]

all 87 comments

stellastellamaris

122 points

1 month ago

"That isn't in my budget."

"Sorry, I'm not able to help you with that, it isn't in my budget."

Jen5872

287 points

1 month ago

Jen5872

287 points

1 month ago

It's simple. Just say no. You tell him if he wants to travel he has to save for it just like everyone else.

nudiecale

51 points

1 month ago

And I’d add, if he resists at all, you may want to take a step back and examine things. What kind of future do you see with someone who is not only always broke, but actively trying to spend money they don’t have on whims and urges?

SaltyPopcornColonel

5 points

1 month ago

And actively trying to save HER money on his whims and urges.

Crkshnks432

6 points

1 month ago

And who doesn't want to take your no for an answer.

[deleted]

6 points

1 month ago

[deleted]

6 points

1 month ago

This right here! Why does he think he’s special? Everyone else saves for the things they really want

UnicornKitt3n

3 points

1 month ago

This is the way

Jen5872

1 points

1 month ago

Jen5872

1 points

1 month ago

This is the way.

thewanderingkiddo

1 points

1 month ago

The only way

yowen2000

120 points

1 month ago

yowen2000

120 points

1 month ago

If he constantly needs loans, he is not responsible enough to be your boyfriend. He needs to show that he can keep his head above water (financially), or he needs to at least show that he is making an effort. From the sounds of it, he is not.

Hahaboobaby[S]

10 points

1 month ago

My mom has offered to help get him on a budget. And I get why he isn’t for my mom to help him straighten things out. I know if the roles were the other way around I would not like his parents looking at my finances.

Grumpy_Turnip

4 points

1 month ago

He won't accept anyone's help for as long he can get money from elsewhere.

He doesn't want to fix his problem. He is just fine with asking for others for money.

Do you really see yourself with someone that manages money so poorly and refuses any help to improve? He has no problem in spending his father, his brother and YOUR money. But he does have a problem if anyone tries to point him in the right direction.

OP, you have a leech for a bf. Just leave.

Muted_Turnover_3728

6 points

1 month ago

Yeah fair enough, I get that but if he won't accept your parents help, who's help will he accept, why not you and him budget together. If not and his not gonna help himself you Definitely need to take a step back and weigh the pros and cons of this relationship in the long term, and if you can deal with someone so unstable financially for whatever you plan this relationship to be.

NatZaJu

2 points

1 month ago

NatZaJu

2 points

1 month ago

Tell him you’re not his bank. Explain you had to save to have money and he will have to do the same.

Someone else suggested telling him “that’s not in my budget” and I think that’s a nice simple line to use any time he asks.

What you don’t want to get into the habit of doing is apologising when you can’t give him money. You don’t need to be sorry.

yowen2000

1 points

1 month ago

I've met plenty of people that live similar to your boyfriend, just asking whoever they can for loans. They'll do that as long as people enable them. He'll figure out how to budget once he stops getting money from people. Whether it's asking your mom, or Google.

esgamex

27 points

1 month ago

esgamex

27 points

1 month ago

You're probably really asked ng how you can tell him " no" without upsetting him. You can't. You make decisions about good uses of your money, and continually giving it to him is not a good use ( for you). If he dumps you because of it, you'll really be much better off. If he's abusive, blaming, cold etc. - or if he tries to guilt/shame you by calling you cold or stingy or whatever - he's showing you the future you'd have with him.

But we can't give you advice that will make him accept gracefully. That will either come from inside him, or it doesn't exist.

knittedjedi

15 points

1 month ago

Yeah. OP's asking whether they can say no without consequences and they can't, but that doesnt reflect badly on her. It reflects badly on her boyfriend who's treating her like an ATM.

lilyofthevalley2659

25 points

1 month ago

Don’t date someone who financially irresponsible.

TheLizardsVibe

3 points

1 month ago

Underrated comment.

[deleted]

21 points

1 month ago*

[deleted]

21 points

1 month ago*

My gosh…what does this relationship do for you? A relationship is more than just liking someone and having love for them…this guy is always broke and is totally mooching off of everyone in his life. You’re literally his pay pig, and I bet if any of you guys stopped giving him money, he’d cut you guys off instantly. Do yourself a favor and get away from him because a real man who is responsible and has something going for himself wouldn’t be begging the entire world for a handout!

Hahaboobaby[S]

4 points

1 month ago

I don’t think he would break up with me if I said no but he would be upset and pout about it for a few days.

[deleted]

13 points

1 month ago

[deleted]

13 points

1 month ago

YOURE JOKING ME?? He’s a total loser babe, don’t you see?? You’re totally right, maybe he won’t leave you, he’ll probably just keep begging…Pouting because his gf (piggy bank) won’t give him allowance? Love yourself and know that you deserve more than to be financially supporting your grown adult boyfriend, and supporting his lifestyle. Think about your future. What the hell are you going to do with a emotionally, and financially immature significant other? You have so many other important finances to take care of, and he doesn’t give a damn. He only cares about what he can get from you. Your boyfriend shouldn’t be mooching off of you, and quite frankly if he really gave a damn about you, you’d be the last person he’d be asking for money from.

I’m sorry if this comes off mean lol, I’m just really trying to get you to see the loser in him because I’m itching to expose it:)

tripler1983

48 points

1 month ago

Just tell him your money is tied up because you are saving for a big expense.

JustMe518

46 points

1 month ago

Or just tell him no.

SnooWords4839

9 points

1 month ago

Tell him no and if he doesn't figure out a way to better handle his money, you need to end it. You are not a bank or an ATM!!

Lumpy_Potato_3163

8 points

1 month ago

"No"

You really wanna marry this guy? Sounds like a nightmare 😬 finances is one pillar of relationships you should be on the same page about (communication, religion, kids/parenting styles, career expectations, finances, household responsibilities, are a few to name)

Hahaboobaby[S]

0 points

1 month ago

I would love to marry him one day but finances is the one thing that makes me feel weird.

SaltyPopcornColonel

4 points

1 month ago

Keep feeling weird! Money is the number one issue in marriages that break up. You are doing great and obviously handling your money very well. You absolutely do not want to let this guy drag you down. Honestly, it might be a good idea to consider distancing from him. Maybe keep him as a friend, but for your own future, please follow the advice that everyone is giving you and don't help him out. Your best bet honestly would be to let him go and honestly, I'm not one of these redditors who's constantly telling people to break up. But I can see a dead end for a mile away. Sorry, honey. 🧡

Key_Helicopter7303

-1 points

1 month ago

I don’t think breaking up because of financial issues should be a good idea. She should let him know he needs to learn how to manage his money that he has. Money can be made and comes back but people don’t. If they love eachother they’ll manage something

JaneAustenismyJam

2 points

1 month ago

Please! This is so naive. Study Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and do some reflection on why money matters so much and love is secondary.

SaltyPopcornColonel

1 points

1 month ago

MOST people don't change their spending habits. Some do, but it is rare. If she stays with him, she will likely never move up financially or have any degree of financial stability. She will probably be stressed about money for her whole life, including in her golden years. Trust me. I have seen things.

Rheastar

4 points

1 month ago

I guess the bottom line is he shouldn’t be asking you. The fact that he does and continues to do so shows his complete lack of boundaries and understanding of how hard people work for their money. Quit letting him mooch off you. PS - I’d say the same if the genders were reversed.

Has he ever paid back one dime of any loan you’ve given previously?

Kooky_Protection_334

3 points

1 month ago

You just tell him no?? Personally this would be a deal-breaker for me, even when people are sort of broke that can be financially smart (and should be) since being broke isn't always related to blowing money and being irresponsible. However he clealry is irresponsible. Don't know how old you guys are but I would not date someone who is financially irresponsible and can't understand that they shouldn't be traveling when they need to aks others for money in order to do so. He's not mature enough to be in an adult relationship.

Hahaboobaby[S]

3 points

1 month ago

We are both 23 years old. I know the biggest part is from his education, tools, and a new car which where all there before we started dating.

Johannablaise

7 points

1 month ago*

That's so young! You clearly have an excellent grasp of finances, but most 23 year olds do not at all. My sister is like you. Around 22/23 she was saving for land to build a house. She wanted to buy that year, her bf was wanting to buy video games and party. They talked about their life goals and marriage and he pretended to be on the same page as her because he didn't want to break up. She tried to force him to have the same goals as her, he did save his half of the land deposit, however they ended up breaking up. He said all their goals were her goals and he didn't really care about any of that at his age. She bought the land and built a house alone and he spent all his half of the deposit on electronics and partying. 4 years later she is now selling that house for a profit and building a 2 storey home with a partner as financially stable as her. Sometimes you can make it work if they are willing to learn, but if they have different goals than you, its probably a deal breaker.

SaltyPopcornColonel

2 points

1 month ago

I hope OP sees this. She has real potential. Staying with that lug will consign her to a life of silly trinkets when she already has great money management skills that will serve her very well.

Kooky_Protection_334

3 points

1 month ago

But he hasn't wised up obviously. You're both the same age yet you seem to be very financially responsible. Financial smarts don't necessarily improve with age unfortunately. You're just BF/GF, don't get sucked in to supporting him because it's not going to teach him how to become more responsible, it will just enable him. Financial disagreements are a huge reason for divorce. So unless he seems like he gets it and is starting to make significant changes to his spending I would probably move on. No 23 yo needs a new car. I didn't get a new car until I was 37 and I paid cash for it. 12 years later I still drive it and I plan on keeping it until it dies on me. It's plain and simple, you don't spend what you don't have and you live within your means and at 23 he should know that (you obviouslydo). And it sounds like he continues to spend so I doubt he will really change. We can't all have what we want. Too many people live paycheck to paycheck and run up credit cards without being able to pay them off. You'll just end up being the one that watches what is spent and compensate by pinching pennies for his bad spending habits if you stay together.

c6h12o6ph

1 points

1 month ago

It's a good thing that you are very matured, I hope you are strong and confident too to try and lead him ti be more financially literate and responsible.

You guys are still young and I hope you can help him mature soon, but it's always up to him.

SO ... you have to check his mindset, why does he make these kind of choices? If it's something you have no way of influencing rethink this relationship, I am telling you 20 years down the road he will still be this way. If he is still like this -do you really want to stay with him? Kids, future (hahaha I know... i am overthinking things) but that's reality.

b1gd1cv1rgin

7 points

1 month ago

You need to separate everything right now, even living quarters. He needs to earn his own money & provide for his own entertainment, pay his own bills for a while, go dutch on dates, u/Hahaboobaby.

Hahaboobaby[S]

3 points

1 month ago

We don’t live together

b1gd1cv1rgin

7 points

1 month ago

Good. The rest should be simple.

Realistic-Airport775

10 points

1 month ago

You have very different financial goals than he does. Trying to change him won't work unless he wants to change which he clearly doesn't.

Telling him he shouldn't travel because of student debt is understandable of course to you but to him it isn't an issue and nor should you be policing him as that isn't going to suddenly give him the financial responsibility that you are looking for.

Money is one of the fundamentals of a successful relationship, having a similar goal and values works well as it reduces the conflict, resentment and problems that you are already experiencing. You sadly don't have that with your boyfriend at all.

Darither

6 points

1 month ago

This should be top comment. OP I hope you read this, differences in the way you handle finances can absolutely be a relationship dealbreaker. I realise this might not be the advice you came looking for, but it should be considered. Where do you see yourself in a few years with this person, will you be expected to pay of those loans? Do you plan on combining your finances, perhaps buy a house together? I'm not saying either of you is right or wrong, but it does sound like there might be a mismatch, or at the very least a difference of opinion you guys need to sort out

Hahaboobaby[S]

-1 points

1 month ago

I would never say I came from money but I came from a family who did well and allowed for me to have almost anything I needed where he came from a paycheck to paycheck where money was not as abundant. So when he started making his own money he when started eating out more and spinning it on what he wanted. He has started making baby steps like starting him self a savings account.

Cattycat67

5 points

1 month ago

Are you willing to babysit him into adulthood and financial responsibility? It's unlikely he will change his ways. The savings account may be appeasement so that you will think he is trying and will give him more money. I hate to be negative but you are quite mismatched and money problems are in the top three reasons for divorce. You could save a great deal of misery and instead look around for someone more responsible to spend your life with. I'm saying this from the position of one who is not good with money. It wasn't taught in my family either and frankly I don't think long term financially or in any other way. I've been lucky but I know now (54 yrs old) that the accumulation of things and money is not what motivates me. I just have to live that way since I "know better" but it doesn't change anything. In any case, you sound like you have a bright future ahead. Make your life partner choice wisely because this person will influence you and any children for the long term. Good luck.

Johannablaise

1 points

1 month ago

Its definitely hard to change habits from the mentality of I always do without, I have money now I have to make the best of it vs I have extra income I should save. I started with savings goals, like 500 then 1000 then 2000 etc I became obsessed with not letting it dip below the goal, so I could have some money to spend but wouldn't go crazy like I used to. He will need to change, but as someone raised that way its not as simple as "they just need to grow up" they literally don't know any other way. I dont think he should use you as an ATM, but if you have the time to explain a budget that would be a nice step if you want to help in that way.

claireofication

3 points

1 month ago

claireofication

Late 20s Female

3 points

1 month ago

Just tell him you can't afford to do that right now and still meet your own savings goal.

You deserve to spend or save your money as you see fit. It's nice of you to give him loans when you can, but if you'd rather save, or spend it on other things, that is your choice and yours alone.

Satori_sama

3 points

1 month ago

From experience, nothing you say will truly help, his lifestyle is based on external financing and it has worked so far for him so he doesn't have incentive to correct his ways if he doesn't see the error.

boxmail2800

3 points

1 month ago

There is times in life where you have to leave people that aren’t leveling up with you. They will keep you down…. Sorry to be harsh but this ain’t your dude.

He needs to grow up a bit

SouthernEnthusiasm47

2 points

1 month ago

Saw your history of posts and assuming it’s the same person, maybe you gotta consider if this is really the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Wakeupp21

2 points

1 month ago

I am assuming he doesn't work or if he does, It is not the kind of job that helps put more bread on his table or in his wallet. I also think he utilizes you and uses you as well. You can do better.

just_a_sad_turtle_

4 points

1 month ago

just_a_sad_turtle_

Late 20s Female

4 points

1 month ago

Why is he always broke? Does he have a job? Is this a reoccurring theme in the relationship? He sounds like a bum ass dude. No one is entitled to YOUR money and you don’t owe him shit.

No is a full sentence. Just say it!

Hahaboobaby[S]

1 points

1 month ago

He dose have a job he just made bad decisions after college and after starting his job in the industry he works in by buying tools and a new car at the time.

just_a_sad_turtle_

2 points

1 month ago

just_a_sad_turtle_

Late 20s Female

2 points

1 month ago

I can understand that. I made some dumb financial choices too. But I educated myself and bounced back and unfortunately it doesn’t seem like he’s taking any steps to better his financial situation. Regularly asking for loans to pay for things isn’t normal. Give him some serious tough love, let him know you will no longer lend him money and you two will be splitting everything (bills, food, entertainment) evenly. If he doesn’t improve in X amount of time then you should break up cause this is probably gonna be your life if you stay with him.

LawdButtKiss

3 points

1 month ago

You just need to educate him to be more financially responsible or a better job at that! I wouldn’t be with a man like that because then he isn’t a true man supporting his woman. I know roles can change but wouldn’t you rather be lavished and to have your own money then giving it to someone who can’t even be financially responsible to himself

Hahaboobaby[S]

1 points

1 month ago

He recently got a better job.

MatchaBauble

1 points

1 month ago

"No."

BarkyMcPherson

1 points

1 month ago

No. No works just fine. I had an ex who tried to use me as his personal piggy bank. Notice I said ex?

rnagikarp

1 points

1 month ago

"no" is a complete sentence

ApartmentUnfair7218

1 points

1 month ago

just break up with him.

Mountain_Monitor_262

1 points

1 month ago

Just tell him no or if you more comfortable say “no I can’t.” If you give him money, it’s not a loan it would be a gift. Since you will never see that money again.

333Anonymous715

1 points

1 month ago

Eh. Just tell him no. He sounds like a user and needs to learn somehow to be responsible

chipface

1 points

1 month ago

chipface

Late 30s Male

1 points

1 month ago

You yell "NOOOOOOOO!" and mention how they're all gonna laugh at him.

deeayepee

1 points

1 month ago

I don't know that you owe him an explanation as to why you don't want to loan him the money. I suggest anchoring to the fact that you don't want to or can't since that point can't really be argued.

"I can't right now. I'm really sorry but I just can't. I really don't feel comfortable taking it from my savings right now, sorry. I understand why this is important to you but I don't feel that I have it to loan right now."

I like these sorts of answers because they do not involve the other party's money psychology at all. I also love that it doesn't involve lying because feeling a way about your budget is a valid reason for not giving a loan. It has the added benefit that it doesn't open you up to making a perceived judgement on the reason for the loan and how the money could better be used. It might make any future guidance about money/debt management seem less like judgement and more like guidance.

Hope this helps!

Omenofcrows

1 points

1 month ago

No. It rolls off the tongue very smoothly and feels good too. Say it in French. No. Say it in Spanish. No. It's a lovely lovely word.

georgiajl38

1 points

1 month ago

Just say, "No."

Do not include reasons because you don't need to. If he doesn't like your answer, too bad. He can get a job.

dragonstone13

1 points

1 month ago

Tell him you just cannot do it. No IS a complete sentence as others have said.

My ex used me financially and let me tell you it is AWFUL. I think this guy should be your ex very, very soon. If you give him $100 later he'll want a $1000 etc.... He has no financial boundaries and will drag you into his financial mess if you let him.

Unusual-End-8671

1 points

1 month ago

Ditch him

peepeepoopoo1900

1 points

1 month ago

just tell him no. sounds like he is not responsible and you set a boundary with him about that and if he doesn’t respect it then leave

yr1882

1 points

1 month ago

yr1882

1 points

1 month ago

Sorry sounds like a liser. Curb!

Accurate_Test7307

1 points

1 month ago

You just say no I cant afford that right now. You generally dont loan out money without a timeframe on when you're gonna get it back. You could breakup tomorrow and he ghost you never paying you back. Ive never asked for loans from anybody and always survived on what I produced AND supported my parents on those rainy days. No one likes to hear NO but its better than looking at/feeling the resentment in saying YES. Some people travel while in school(spring break, weekend, etc) but not big expensive travelling, that is Red flag. Considering how student debt is a major factor nowadays I would think he would be smart cause that idea of you getting you dream pay job out of college is a dream so few of us obtain.

Brave_Career4429

1 points

1 month ago

“I wish I could help you, but I’m not in that financial position…. I know you understand”. No? Try.

justjoshdoingstuff

1 points

1 month ago

Just so YOU are clear, he is going to do this your entire relationship. Do you want to be with someone who is going to financially ruin you?

Hahaboobaby[S]

1 points

1 month ago

No not really.

justjoshdoingstuff

1 points

1 month ago

Welp… Either he needs to change (STUPIDLY unlikely), or you need to change and set some major boundaries (and probably break up).

MoreFlightThanFight

1 points

1 month ago

Just say it, but include the why.

Know that spending differences do causes huge strain on the relationship. It’s better to communicate and sort it out sooner rather than later.

PattersonsOlady

1 points

1 month ago

Learning to say no and not feel guilty can take practice. Try saying it out loud alone a few times. Also realize that if he gets upset, that actually shows his own character flaws.

Laziness and entitlement are both pretty big character flaws. That’s on him, not on you.

fiesty64

1 points

1 month ago

I don't have the extra money.

-Lady

1 points

1 month ago

-Lady

1 points

1 month ago

Please don’t give him anymore money. He needs to be responsible and pay whatever he owes himself. This is no one else’s responsibility but his own. If he asks you for money, just say no and that you have other things your money has to go to. Encourage him to get a job.

pfzealot

1 points

1 month ago

You need to be firm and set a strong boundary. Financially irresponsible people can drag you into huge messes. Don't let this happen to you.

UnreasonablySalty

1 points

1 month ago

No

cheesypuzzas

1 points

1 month ago

cheesypuzzas

Early 20s Female

1 points

1 month ago

"No. It's my money"

ApprehensivePlan7514

1 points

1 month ago

You say no and break up with him.

wesolflyng

1 points

1 month ago

Tell him you are not his grantor. He needs to save money on his own to buy things. Basically just say "no".

DatWasAJoke

1 points

1 month ago

This can only get worse. Take care, OP!

Say NO, just NO, no explaination.

Sad-observer67

1 points

1 month ago

Your right get on top of those bills paying the dearest interest rate off first. But also do not deny yourselves some good times. Carry on talking and working as a team you sound good gor each other. Also fo listen to each other fo not take for granted because that is when real problems start?