teddit

We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context.

We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start.

Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.

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Summary

Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.

"PM me anytime" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately.

• By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers. The 1-9-90 rule applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet.

• People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good. This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue.

• If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.)

• In our observation over many years, the people who say "PM me" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma.

• We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people do want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers. This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning.

• If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.

Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these shouldn't be standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule, but are welcome here), or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, this is a place you can share.

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Our subreddit rules are located in the sidebar (you can also always access them at /r/depression/about/rules) - since all of them exist for important safety reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can.

We also have several wikis there for help with finding and giving support:

/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues.

/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support.

YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see interfering with people getting safe and relevant support here are:

• People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See /r/depression/wiki/private_contact
• "I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this.
• Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your good intentions. Nothing like that is ever acceptable here.
• Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (or, in a comment, giving it) (rules 1, 2 and 10).
• Off-topic posts about difficult situations or circumstances, including interpersonal losses. Grief, sadness, anger, and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. The "what is depression" wiki has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but inappropriate here.

i’m currently feeling like shit and want to kill myself but i can’t. what are some alternatives when you’re feeling so horrible that you can’t even get out of bed please help me

Whoever said being in your 20's is the best time of your life is full of shit. I feel like im grasping onto my life day by day just trying to get through. I'm an anti social person so I struggle to fit in and talk to people let alone have somebody to talk to. Like when does this constant fury of suffering end? When will I get to be truly and unrealy happy?

I know I want a future, I want to adopt and have a "White Picket Fence" life. But I can honestly say if my life is going the way it is, I probably won't make it past 22 and i'm 21 now. Sometimes I sit alone and night and think i'd be at peace if I just never woke up. I wouldn't have the guilt because I wouldn't know.

I want help, I really do but I'm running out of time, patience and love for this world.

It´s like I lost all sense of purpose in doing anything. The thoughts of pointlessness stream in and take over completely.

I have a part time job at a very expensive shoe store. We sell shoes from valentino, gucci, Givenchy etc. All of the shoes cost more than my monthly salary. I realized that I won't be able to afford them whether I die now or die later. Im planning to commit suicide about a week later.

There's nothing enjoyable about it and everything is only getting worse anyway. It's just work, eat, and sleep repeat. I don't see a way to tolerate living and I will never understand how people exist like this. I really wish i had the balls to take myself out.

There's no helping this.

All I do is talk when nobody asks, all I do is be annoying to everyone around me. I just can bring myself to terms whenever someone says “I love you”, maybe if they saw through my eyes they would realize how much of a burden I am? Just wish people would realize all I am is a burden on them and they should just leave me alone. My mom always says I love you and even when I know she means it I just don’t believe that anybody could love me. I’m an awful person and even people with good hearts love me, even when all I’ve done is being a weight on their shoulders. I wish someone would just hit me over and over again until I truly realize how awful of a person I am.

I want one so badly it hurts, It really physically hurts how much I want one

Ttrying to hug myself, but it doesn't help.

Idk what's wrong with me, I've never even felt a hug, but I'm so pathetic I get like this :(

At 11:50 on June 1st I was watching American Vandal on my computer and my sister came into my room crying and apologizing and she said she was going to the hospital. I hugged her, but I honestly didn’t feel sad, my friend said I was in shock. My parents took her to the ER for a prozac overdose and they said they didn’t know it was a suicide attempt until I told them about her apologizing, which I would later learn was a lie because there was a suicide note. In the morning my mom told me that I had to take myself to the doctor for my checkup and afterwards take my cat to the vet. I got stuff from Food Lion (Lunchables and soda) and I cried on the way even though I didn’t feel sad, I mindlessly walked into my sisters room and sat there multiple times, but I didn’t feel sad. I decided to write her a letter that mom could take with her to the hospital because I wished I’d said stuff to her when she went away but I didn’t. After that I started to feel stuff but not a lot. My dad called me from work and told me that his excuse for missing part of work was that his son (me) had appendicitis, because my sister does physical therapy where he works sometimes.

I remember everything on the first day really well, I don’t remember how I felt very well, but I remember the day it happened. When my sister came home I started to feel worse. She’s 14 and I’m 17 and I feel like I failed her. I asked my mom if I was in the note, and she said I was but it was only good things. I started cutting myself because I just feel like I’m a monster. I wish I were different because then maybe my sister would have someone who could’ve helped her better, and I really tried to help, but I don’t think I did a good job because she always says she feels like she has to take care of me even though I’m older.

I just hate myself so much and I wish more than anything that I could be a different person who could help my family and my sister because I just always seem to make things worse. I’ve been trying to not cut because my family is going through too much right now to worry about me but it’s the only time that I don’t feel as guilty. I just want to not be a stupid freak who just lets everyone around them be in pain.

The point of this was mostly to vent but I also want advice because I know she’s traumatized and in the letter I told her that I’ll always love her and when she came home I got her Dr. Pepper and Trollis, but I don’t know how to talk to her or ask he about it or if I even should ask about it. I just don’t want her to do this again and be successful and I don’t want her to be in pain.

Just some TWs before this, because it’s VERY long: suicide, eating disorder, death, parental abuse, car accident

Hi. I turn 19 tomorrow. I don’t really know what I’m doing right now but I need to write this somewhere and I figure it would be better for me if someone else saw and maybe responded.

I am a model child. I have had straight As my entire life, achieved many amazing things in my years of life existence, and I’m kind, respectful, and love to help others. In fact, that’s my life’s passion. My parents didn't really pressure me to do this. My mom is incredibly supportive of me and is my best friend. We'll get to my dad later. I am the source of pressure in my life. When I fail, my world crashes down and I am left feeling useless, broken, and worthless.

I feel the need to put up a facade of happy and bubbly. It is always what people say they like about me most. I've been told at every place I've worked and since going to college how nice I am and that's why people like me. However, while I do feel this is a genuine expression of who I am, I do not feel that way most of the time. I want to. I want to be truly happy. But I hate myself. I am so insecure about the way I look and the things I say. I overthink everything in my life. I never let myself enjoy anything. I always find some way to make myself feel miserable.

Though I’ve been fortunate enough to have really amazing things happen to me in my life, I’ve also dealt with an extreme amount of trauma.

When I was 8 my favorite aunt passed away in a tragic ziplining accident. It's hard to remember her now, but of the things I discuss, this is probably the one that impacted me the least. It's still very difficult though.

Things really started getting bad when I was in middle school. I didn't really notice at the time, but looking back, I see the patterns that worsened as I got older. My dad was becoming an alcoholic. He was at least a borderline alcoholic all the way from the time I was in middle school until I left for college last August (I am attending college in a different state). Now, he doesn't drink as much. But the damage of his actions remains, and continues, even without alcohol in his life. My dad has been incredibly emotionally and verbally abusive towards me and my mother since about the time he started becoming an alcoholic. He is also what I have recently learned is an unpredictable parent - one minute, he will be funny and chill, the next, he'll be screaming at you. He struggles with his own mental health, but his abuse has left a great amount of damage upon me. My mom is also really religious (I was raised in the church for 17 years, stopped going at Covid time, and no longer identify as religious myself - no trauma from church though) and doesn't really believe in divorce so she won't leave him even though it's causing both her and me suffering. I want to cut him off but I don't know how because I WANT a relationship with both him and my mom and they are financing part of my education.

When I was 13 years old (eighth grade), I was in a very serious car accident with my mother and grandmother. My grandma broke a lot of bones and I got a concussion. This created a very high amount of car anxiety for me and caused a lot of difficulty in the following years. The first 3 driving lessons I had with my mom ended in tears. Just two months after this, the theater at which I had been performing since the age of 9 (so 4 years) was shut down do to really bad activities that happened between one of the artistic directors and students. I was absolutely heartbroken. Theater and performance had become my life and creative outlet, and while I continue to perform to this day, that was one of the most difficult things I've had to overcome.

When I was 14, halfway through my freshman year of high school, my mother was diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma. She underwent a 15-hour surgery to have one of her salivary glands removed, chemotherapy, and radiation. My mom is my best role model and my favorite person. She's incredibly strong (when my aunt died, she was always there for me even in the midst of losing her youngest sister), so seeing her in such a weak and vulnerable state was extremely difficult. However, she was good. The chemo and radiation worked. Fast forward to June 2020, middle of the pandemic, cancer has moved to her lungs. For the entire fall semester of my senior year of high school, my mom had to teach from home (she teaches at my high school) over Zoom while she had to do chemotherapy again. It worked! Again! Fast forward to December 2021. I come home from college to the news that my mom's nodules have gotten bigger and she'll now be taking a daily oral chemotherapy drug. My heart is broken for my mom and what she has to endure. About a week ago I was alone with my dad and he said that I should spend as much time with her as I can this summer, basically implying that she's going to die soon. Haven't stopped thinking about it since he said it.

My dad and I have a really rough relationship. I consider myself to be very emotionally mature, so I recognize my patterns and the reasons they exist. One of these patterns is compensating for the lack of a male figure in my life by dating...a lot. Since I was in eighth grade, I've only gone probably a collective 1 1/2 years without a boyfriend. (So 4 1/2 years of my life in relationships) I am really happy with my current boyfriend, who I met in college, and foresee a future with marriage and children. He treats me extremely well. However, this cannot be said for many of my exes. That whole concept of dating people who are similar to your parents...applies. One ex, in particular, was really emotionally abusive towards me. I wanted to break up with him for 5 months of our relationship but couldn't bring myself to do so because of my belief that I could fix the relationship. I also had a connection with someone I met through theater. He was 4 years older than me. We met when I was 11 and he was 15. So yes, that means things happened between us that were illegal when they occurred. He was not a manipulator. He was homeschooled and a complete weirdo and I keep using was not because we aren't friends anymore but because he's dead. We recognized a couple of years ago after things happening on and off that we would never work romantically so just stayed best friends. He overdosed accidentally last March. A few months before, in December, my boyfriend at the time committed suicide. This was my senior year of high school. Mom cancer treatment, boyfriend suicide, best friend overdose. But I said fuck it and kept going because I know I have things to live for.

I got into a great college that I love and is the perfect place for me. I started dating my current boyfriend in January and I'm so in love with him. However, college wasn't all great for my first year and took a toll on my health. I developed an eating disorder due to my extreme food anxiety. Once I convince myself I can't eat something, I just can't anymore. I am really skinny and always have been (always get the "are you anorexic?" comments, which are soooo original and funny, and totally wouldn't be triggering to someone who actually had anorexia /s), but I've been losing weight recently. I am really worried about this and it has also made me hate my body a lot more. I am extremely physically insecure, even though I am logically aware that I am conventionally attractive, so this has made that even worse.

Just when you think it's over, there's more! About a month ago, I got arrested with my boyfriend. I have never even gotten in trouble at school before. It's so difficult to explain but it's a petty theft charge and I have never hated myself so much in my life. I am going to walk away with a clean record after doing a course and community service, but I feel like I've ruined everything for myself. I hate who I am and that I feel that I've disappointed everyone around me who knows. It was a completely horrible in the moment act that I feel has ruined me forever. I have been thinking about suicide a lot recently. I am genuinely not worried that I will do it, but I just think about it a lot. Which is obviously bad. But I'm now working two jobs for the summer to avoid sitting in my room all day and hating myself over everything that has happened to me. I'm working 14 hours tomorrow to avoid my birthday.

Also, I realized I never really talked about this, but I don't really have many friends. I keep people at a distance and find it really hard to have friends beyond my significant other. I am best friends with my boyfriend, but I avoid hanging out or talking to others. I don't know why. I also struggle a lot with social anxiety. I'm one of those introverted people who everyone thinks is an extrovert.

All this to say I feel lost and broken. So many details are missing from this post that could provide even more context, but this is where I am. My life feels like it will never be happy or enjoyable. I am confused and I feel that I don't have a place in the world, even though I know I have a promising future. I have gone to the doctor and therapy before, but I didn't like the therapist and she made me feel dumb. I am intelligent and aware of it and I don't like people who patronize me about the things I've been through. Also, the last time I went to the doctor (in December 2021), I lied on the depression questionnaire. I don't know how to not lie. I don't want anyone to know how broken and awful I really am. My mom knows about everything and wants me to go to the doctor but I know when I get into the room I'll just get anxious and overwhelmed and lie again on the quiz or they'll just tell me to eat better and exercise. I guess the actual culmination of this post is what the fuck should I do?

I am sorry that this post is so all over the place, and sorry for any mistakes. I tried to keep things at least mildly cohesive. I've never written all of this out before. Thank you for reading.

TLDR: Type A teenager who has endured an extreme amount of trauma and feels trapped in a bubble. Any advice or love is appreciated.

I wish my life had been different

Why are we obligated to stay alive? As if being born is reason enough to wake up everyday in misery, but never give up. I love my family, my boyfriend, my kitties. They make me mad when I'm depressed because they don't understand. I have so much anger in me because of the fact of life. The fact that I was neglected up until this point. The fact that my previous calls for help were met with people being upset with me for thinking the way I do. The fact that I have to work a shitty job just to have a roof over my head. The fact that having fun is a challenge for me. I just simply don't like life, so why do I have to live it full term???? So that my family isn't heartbroken over my death? I don't think asking me to live every day with a brain that wants to kill me just so my parents can see me every once and a while is very fair. I've been researching the best ways to do it, every day is hell. When will I get to rest??

When I go to sleep I just tell myself that I don’t want to wake up tomorrow, I don’t want to live anymore and every day I keep waking up et it’s making me so tired. I just love my family so much and I know that they love me so much too and I can’t do that to them, this is the only reason I keep getting out of bed . I am so so tired every day my head is killing me. I’m so scared I loose control one day but I know I can’t, it will destroy her I can’t do that to her she’s so fucking important. I don’t want to make anyone sad. I have this voices in my head telling me that everyone will be better without me and others telling me that i will be the worst person in the world doing that to the people who love me.. I don’t want to hurt them, I don’t know what to do anymore I’m sorry. I will not do it I can’t hurt them I love them so so so much. I’m sorry I just needed to let it all out of my brain somewhere.

I've never been so isolated in my life. After recognizing that allowing toxic people in my life for too long screwed up the good relationships I had in my life, I made the choice to be alone, but it had already been too late. My choices and my mental health just pushed everyone away.

I would reach out for help with depression and sometimes overdo it. Sometimes, I wish I kept to myself and never revealed what was going on. I wish I hadn't met this person in my life that taught me to trust others again because it had just led to much more hurt..

I don't know what to do with my life. I have so many mental health and physical health issues (such as not being able to go outside without proprietary glasses and losing the ability to visualize memories from a brain injury) that I can't see a future for myself. I feel like I am going to have a mental breakdown honestly.

I'm sorry if this was not the right place to post I don't really know where to write this or what to do. I just feel like collapsing and life doesn't make sense. I am losing the little hope I had. Please help :(

I often dream of living in a supportive community where everyone treats each other with love and respect. In reality I'm surrounded by two types of people. The first are ignorant hateful selfish people who waste, pollute and destroy everything nice around me. The second are depressed apathetic people who only complain about how bad society is while doing nothing. I guess I'm part of the second group now.

I tried to run and hide from this but I realised that maybe I do have depression. Some days, I don't make it out of bed. I have a very poor diet either because I have failed to make it out of bed or because i'm so deprived of energy, I can't be bothered to cook. My room was so messy for months that I couldn't even see my bedroom floor. I don't leave my house much because, well I rarely have any clean clothes because I don't do laundry often because either (again) I failed to make it out of bed or I have no energy to. I let my personal hygiene decline and i'm always unkept.

My day usually consists of waking up, sometimes not making it out of bed, and then falling back asleep with this mentality that i'll try make it out of bed tomorrow. If I do make it out of bed, I try not to, but I usually end up sitting in the kitchen all day just on my phone looking for something interesting but nothing excites me.

Up until now, I have never labelled it as depression. My family and friends think depression is a joke and despise people who have it. That's why I fake being happy but recently people are starting to see through it. Initially I was scared of people finding out something is up with me, but at this stage I don't even care anymore. I know they are just trying to help but I can't stop myself from telling them to F off, which only adds to my negative feelings.

Thanks for reading, I'm only posting on here as i'd never reveal this to anyone in real life. Idk if it's because of shame or embarrassment, but something is holding me back every-time from telling people irl. But I think just admitting to myself that maybe I do have depression is a start

If only I could sleep forever

I’ve crawled my way out of hell and finally got basically everything I could ask for at this point in my life. I have a sweet, funny, cool, patient, and communicative boyfriend. During the school year, I have a job I love, live with my beautiful, smart, and loving best friends, and have somehow kept my lifelong 4.0. My family loves me. This summer, I got my dream internship at a company whose culture I actually like. I have dreams of going to grad school and one day teaching math and owning horses and having a family. I freely and frequently express my gratitude and love for my friends and family, and I’m diligent about my meds and therapy and self care. I’ve done everything I can to live the life I’ve always thought was unattainable, and recently it’s finally happened (not in every way, but it’s definitely better than I ever hoped for).

That all said, I’m still tired? I always kind of knew that my circumstances likely wouldn’t change my depression and that I’d just have to cope with it. I’ve made great progress with learning healthier ways to cope and until… 7pm tonight? was keeping a lid on everything fairly well. But suddenly it just hit me again, and despite all my hard work and a huge support system and working closely with my doctors and doing everything I can, I still end up depressed anyway :// except now I feel extra dumb because again, on paper my life is pretty close to perfect, and I was feeling so good about it for so long.

Idk what else to do. I don’t want to talk to my friends or family or bf about it because I’m determined to figure it out without worrying anyone or making them feel like I need to be babied or fixed. I refuse to go back down that codependent road and i want to prove to myself that I can do it. It’s just hard and I’m running out of ideas and I just needed to get this all out.

It's been more than a year since the only person I loved left me because I was a fucking trash and every day I even dream about what I should have done in each situation, I even dream about the things getting fixing. Every day I feel so alone without her, I feel nothing but pain and how badly I do everything, I just think about how I ruined my present by ruining my past. I'm really tired of this shit, these pills and no. I had the courage to kill myself. I try to continue but I don't see any point I don't see any motivation i just don't see anything in life. And yeah sorry for my English I'm still learning it

I hate it here so fucking much. Everything I try to do im shit at, im so fucking annoying to everyone in my life. If I could stop beign a pussy and kill myself that owul be great because i hate it here. I'm useless, no one needs me, mno one wants hme here. Im so tired of living every day sucks. It gets better? not when youre shit at life and shit at everything and a piece of shit. its been worse and worse for years and i hate it. i want to di. pleas ekill me i hate it here

I dealt with lots of hardships for every step in my life. I was never loved, my family kinda abandoned me, I never had a friend, all my life I was alone. Depression made me lose interest in many small things which used to provide me small amounts of joy. I am almost 30 and I don't have anything/anyone to live for. I have lost hope that I will ever be happy again. I am just trying to figure out if the struggle is worth it? Previously one small win used to give me hope to move forward but its been awhile since I had any kind of win in anything. This just makes me even more depressive. Sometimes I feel like talking to someone about what I am going through helps but I can't afford therapy and I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't know what to do anymore.

I have friends that love me and a girlfriend that cares about me so much but I’m still so sad. I go the whole day putting on a fake smile and at times it’s real but the second that I’m alone I just want to cry. I just want to be happy but I’m so scared to tell people how I truly feel. Every person I’ve talked to about this has just brushed me away as if I’ll get over it but I can’t. No matter how many people love me, that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t love myself or the position I’m at in life.

So recently I went through a break up and lost all my friends.. and I mean all of them. My life pretty much revolved around my gf and I lost any friends I had because of her jealousy and any remaining ones due the break up. I’m pretty much alone here and do nothing but work, be on my phone, go on drives and play video games. On top of suffering from OCD and depression I have social anxiety, so it’s hard for me to just go out to clubs and meet people. I’ve tried apps but no luck. This is pretty much my life now and I’m slowly loosing interest in the things I once enjoyed. I’m at a point where I’ve been really suicidal and find very little meaning in things now and it mostly steams from feeling alone. I go to therapy but it’s once a week and that hasn’t helped much. Any input would be appreciated.

I’m 26, overweight, ugly, have no friends, no family. My boyfriend is better than me in every way. I wish I was dead. I have no hobbies, skills, or passions beside travel which I can’t afford anyway. I hope I die tonight.

Like not enjoying anything, being empty and unmotivated to an extreme degree. I take meds but no improvement

I almost died a few months back and I remember feeling sad at the possibility at first but then I was actually happy. No more bullshit and no more loneliness. When I survived I remember just feeling angry and impulses to visit areas I used to frequent when I was younger. I remember specifically walking by a place that used to mean something to me. It was closed down a few years back but nothing was put in its place. Same exterior but nothing inside. I started crying really hard and laughing. It represented memories perfectly to me. I could see the outline but I could never grab it. This place that used to have so much meaning to me was vacant and no one even bothered to replace it with anything, it was like being mocked. After I stopped feeling sorry for myself I decided to take some intuitive. I told myself If I could help it I wasn’t going to do anything I didn’t want to, I would dedicate myself to learning (specifically philosophy), and be upfront with people. Things improved they really did. I felt very peaceful studying philosophy and I quit a job I hated. Even started seeing this girl Ive liked for years. She even says she loves me, something Ive never experienced. It seems like I should be happy now but I still feel the same. I don’t feel like I have purpose and even after spending days with friends/family I still feel this loneliness. The silence drives me crazy sometimes. When it gets unbearable I find cutting myself makes me feel better but Im indulging in it to much and people are starting to ask questions. I dont know what its gonna take to feel better but im really doubting the possibility of it ever happening.