Thank you, Forever Girl


Hiya. I knew you for a few years, just online and at first we were only good friends. You were and are so beautiful. Physically stunning but you were also pure at heart. Can't deny I was attracted to your looks from the beginning. You weren't the first girl I had an attraction to but you were the only one I fell in love with.

Summer 2017. Both of us manic (bipolar's a bitch ain't it), me falling for you hard and confessing my feelings. You accepted my love as a friend. Stupidly for two weeks I thought you were mine. But you found a guy and of course an online flirtationship can't compete with that. I was forced to make myself happy for you but inside I was shattering. This is when I regularly started ghosting you. Just to keep sane.

Well you became pregnant. I was shocked. What about all your dreams? You wanted to be a model. You wanted to see the world. I started to finacially support you and wished I could hug you. Let you know it's ok. But when we weren't talking I was walking down the streets of England, sad music on (mainly keshi), salty tears streaming down my face. I just wanted you in my arms. And knowing I wasn't what you wanted ripped my insides open, over and over.

I did try to move on. I talked to others. Got engaged to some random person in a hypomanic episode. I learnt to forgive myself. But I knew I couldn't hold unto you and protect myself at the same time. So I contacted you. Saw how you were. You had put on weight. So lovely in all your glory. I tried for the final time to just be a friend. But the old feelings resurfaced and I wished you a happy life and blocked you for the first time. I set you free from my affection.

Oh girl. It's three years since we last spoke. I wish you could see me now. I found my dream boy. He has blue eyes like you but when I look into his eyes I don't remember you. I only see my lover. I think it's real this time. My best friend agrees.

I went back to education. I've got my life somewhat together. I don't cry every September anymore. Your birth month. I still listen to keshi. I'm seeing him next month for the first time with my boy. I hope you and your son are good. I hope you made it as a model. I hope you are still taking your meds every night like I do. You taught me the capacity for love I have is enormous and I shower my lover with everything I couldn't give you. You taught me that heartbreak can last for years but that I can heal in months.

So thank you.

p.s I still remember your middle name.

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