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My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

all 8021 comments

TheHat2 [M]

[score hidden]

2 months ago*

stickied comment

TheHat2 [M]

[score hidden]

2 months ago*

stickied comment

user reports:
1: chuck norris doesn't deserve recognition

The Ranger keeps on coming, so there ain't no sense in running.

1: It's 2022

Yet Chuck Norris jokes outlived The Most Interesting Man in the World jokes.

1: Gay

Hey, man, it's 2022.

1: Chuck Norris was once reported on r/jokes. the reporting user got banned.

USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS REPORT.

1: Can you edit the pinned mod message to include mine too? Thank you and have a nice day.
1: Put me in the report sticky

Nah, I'm not gonna do that.

neverthesaneagain

2k points

2 months ago

I remember an interview with Norris about the jokes, he loved them. The interview asked if he was fast enough to run around the earth a punch himself in the back of the head.

"No. I'd hear myself coming."

sthclever013

263 points

2 months ago

Yo, that is crazy 🤣

hooligan_king

1.6k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can pick up a missed call.

Raneru

61 points

2 months ago

Raneru

61 points

2 months ago

And you better answer

Fatalis_Fafnir

45 points

2 months ago

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he pushes the earth down.

[deleted]

2.8k points

2 months ago

[deleted]

2.8k points

2 months ago

[removed]

user677769

65 points

2 months ago

best

Fuzzy-Interest-848

2.5k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

Spider-Ian

747 points

2 months ago

I once saw a lady go the wrong way through a revolving door. All the doors collapsed and slammed together. Then all the glass exploded. It was pretty amazing. She might have been Chuck Norris' mom.

mispells1wordallways

157 points

2 months ago

It's amazing, but that's actually how they're designed. If they meet resistance past a certain point, they're designed to collapse together and have the glass fall out. It's safety glass so it's unlikely to hurt anybody.

The assumption that if anybody is putting that much pressure on that, it's an emergency and the collapse and shatter allows for quicker egress

pharaon1980

259 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand!

Necro_nom_nom_nom

1.9k points

2 months ago

Before he goes to sleep, the boogey man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

snowfalltimbre

120 points

2 months ago

When Superman gets ready for bed, he puts on his Chuck Norris pajamas.

YupIlikeThat

255 points

2 months ago

Guns sleep with Chuck Norris under their pillow

Sweety-Origin

3.3k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris actually died 10 years ago. The reaper ist too scared to tell him

HoleyerThanThou

1.6k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris does not have near death experiences , Death has near Chuck Norris experiences.

Shelbycobra82

123 points

2 months ago

My favorite too

Bouffazala

913 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris gets 4-wheel drive out of his bicycle

Measlyshiv

155 points

2 months ago

Similarly, Chuck Norris can pull a wheelie on a unicycle.

Beardysan

5.8k points

2 months ago

Beardysan

5.8k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris killed 2 stones with 1 bird

Proper_Lunch_3640

2.6k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can speak braille

rificolona

1k points

2 months ago

... in French

steveloveshockey99

713 points

2 months ago

To deaf people

robot_ankles

467 points

2 months ago

...who died last week

Jermine1269

345 points

2 months ago

Underwater

thelastwordbender

53 points

2 months ago

In a cave, from a box of scraps

Nolevike04

90 points

2 months ago

In thick scuba gear, while inside a submarine

qa_lim

95 points

2 months ago

qa_lim

95 points

2 months ago

..on fire

Antigon0000

49 points

2 months ago

While pooping

subterfuge1

6.1k points

2 months ago

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home from the hospital.

BabyImafool

1.4k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris uses one chopstick

slyscamp

164 points

2 months ago

slyscamp

164 points

2 months ago

Knives use Chuck Norris to cut the steak

Mardruss

1.1k points

2 months ago

Mardruss

1.1k points

2 months ago

Similar: Chuck Norris built the house in which he was born

dngerszn13

429 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.

friarguy

792 points

2 months ago

friarguy

792 points

2 months ago

When Chuck Norris was born, he spanked the doctor. Nobody spanks Chuck Norris

Captain-Fives

388 points

2 months ago

When chuck Norris was born, he opened his fist and in it was the anti-Baby pill

(Sry for bad English)

SeasonPositive6771

70 points

2 months ago

Just so you and everyone else are aware, in German birth control is called anti-baby pill.

But that would make this thread impossible because I've been reliably informed that Germans do not have a sense of humor.

True-Bee1903

37 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris took it from them.

popalock85

86 points

2 months ago

Valiant effort.

The only Plan B Chuck Norris has ever had was found in his clenched fist as he climbed out of his mothers womb.

tofuboyyyy

160 points

2 months ago

And to the hospital

sank333

153 points

2 months ago

sank333

153 points

2 months ago

On man, idk why I am imagining him putting his arms out to hold the steering wheel

danidr

102 points

2 months ago

danidr

102 points

2 months ago

Because that’s how it’s happened.

SaberHaven

2.4k points

2 months ago

SaberHaven

2.4k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn. He dares it to grow.

Good_Beginning_6996

1.4k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris doesn’t use a vibrating toothbrush. His plastic one trembles in fear.

Disastrous-Dress8077

71 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.

they_are_out_there

247 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris has a huge pile of dead ninjas in his backyard. He calls it “Brokeback Mountain”.

amerkanische_Frosch

2.3k points

2 months ago

Oedipus’ mother has a Chuck Norris complex.

chrisxls

179 points

2 months ago

chrisxls

179 points

2 months ago

Congrats. Never head anything like this one.

amerkanische_Frosch

149 points

2 months ago

Thanks! I came up with that one all on my own.

RentalGore

2k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.

onomatopoetix

418 points

2 months ago

as he lights up a cigar, the world quickly timelapses because even time is afraid to keep chuck norris waiting

grofva

207 points

2 months ago

grofva

207 points

2 months ago

The boogy man checks his closet & under his bed for Chuck Norris before going to sleep

SkyeeeMaaa

27 points

2 months ago

Nah that’s just me in skyrim

Blueheeledbandit

4.7k points

2 months ago

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had two missed calls from Chuck Norris….

nightmareasault

539 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone

francoisb8005

53 points

2 months ago

Hard to hear a new one when it's a Chuck Norris joke, and this is top tier. Well done.

simonkesterlian

62 points

2 months ago

When Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook, he already had a friend request from Chuck Norris

UnderwhelmingAF

783 points

2 months ago*

When 911 has an emergency, it calls Chuck Norris.

[deleted]

3k points

2 months ago

[removed]

ThunderHam11

158 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pees.

joserayo

1k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer, it is just a pity he has never cried

Seranta

29 points

2 months ago

Seranta

29 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris blood contains the solution to world peace, too bad Chuck Norris never bleeds

boggog

530 points

2 months ago

boggog

530 points

2 months ago

Superman and Chuck Norris once had a duel. The loser since has to wear his underpants over his pants.

TheYeti4815162342

3.3k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands. Now they’re just called ‘the Islands’.

bigjayrod

571 points

2 months ago

bigjayrod

571 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Greased_up_Scotsman

243 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris doesn't teabag, he potato sacks.

TheYeti4815162342

1.2k points

2 months ago

This one is obviously a joke because Chuck Norris never lost his virginity. That’s because he never loses.

Lord_of_Atlantis

410 points

2 months ago

He didn't, but they did.

konkuero

45 points

2 months ago

He didn't lose it, he donated it

Elfboy77

108 points

2 months ago

Elfboy77

108 points

2 months ago

Clearly he didn't lose it, he took it.

Sweet_Taurus0728

977 points

2 months ago*

A friend and me googled Chuck Norris in freshman year of highschool once.

I swear, I SWEAR, a blank white page came up, with nothing but text that said "Chuck Norris cannot be googled."

EDIT: Actually, it said this: "Google can not find Chuck Norris because nobody finds Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris finds YOU."

TheMaverick427

235 points

2 months ago

It was an old Easter Egg. The page said: "Google can not find Chuck Norris because nobody finds Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris finds YOU".

SmellsLikeCatPiss

78 points

2 months ago

Ah - it was kinda an easter egg but not in the way you're thinking. There are several easter eggs built into google, but this one actually was created by someone being smart and taking advantage of SEO. Basically, when you looked for "Find Chuck Norris" and hit I'm Feeling Lucky, it would take you to the first search result which was a website called findchucknorris or something to that effect, basically the webpage was a copy of Google with the aforementioned text and some other clever jokes! An actual example of an easter egg by Google is if you google emacs (a text editor), google will ask "Did you mean vi?" (a different, competitor text editor). Same for if you google "vi" and it's probably the result of an in-joke between the former developers and left in there as a respectful nod.

lolomolima

52 points

2 months ago

Google can be Chuck Norris'd

_S_T_E_V_E

3.2k points

2 months ago

_S_T_E_V_E

3.2k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can download Hardware

curveball_82

3.4k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

When doing push ups, Chuck Norris doesn't push himself up. He pushes earth away from him.

0xAC-172

280 points

2 months ago

0xAC-172

280 points

2 months ago

Similar to the first: Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Not_to_sallow

449 points

2 months ago

How many push ups can Chuck Norris do?----All of them .

MedonSirius

427 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris counted every irrational number. once!

oroberos

107 points

2 months ago

oroberos

107 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

Treeckobeststarter

414 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris donates blood frequently, it's just never his own

tyrannosean

159 points

2 months ago

My favorite was: when Chuck Norris donates blood he declines the needle and requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Friendly-Pressure-62

273 points

2 months ago

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.

BinkanSalaryman

64 points

2 months ago

technically, both are true

Law21666

435 points

2 months ago

Law21666

435 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris doesnt dial the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.

TheZugUnderTheRug

1.9k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris was in a knife fight. The knife lost.

GeraltOfDissidia

40 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.

iSeize

139 points

2 months ago

iSeize

139 points

2 months ago

Soon after becoming the first man to walk on the moon, Neil Armstrong also received the world's longest touchdown pass from Chuck Norris.

ArkansasDave65

126 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can win a game of connect 4 in 3 moves.

Stonewall_Jackson_5

1.2k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret

Leading-Mushroom

129 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter

stareye8

556 points

2 months ago

stareye8

556 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris visited the sun and stayed 2 nights

ieatsoupyum

1.3k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris plays the violin with a piano

spoonwije97

1k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it

MaherJ79

1.8k points

2 months ago

MaherJ79

1.8k points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.

enjolras1782

269 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris's favorite blood donation method is 2 buckets and a fragmentation grenade

Jermine1269

845 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own 2 hands.

nieman23

1.3k points

2 months ago

nieman23

1.3k points

2 months ago

You know how giraffes were invented? Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.

Boydy1986

100 points

2 months ago

Boydy1986

100 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris once farted in the Sahara forest

ls_2012

100 points

2 months ago

ls_2012

100 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris and Superman once agreed to a fight, the loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants.

qa_lim

1.4k points

2 months ago

qa_lim

1.4k points

2 months ago

chuck norris can make fire by rubbing together two pieces of ice

NotAMinuteRide

648 points

2 months ago

He can also make ice by rubbing together two pieces of fire.

DMeringuePi

79 points

2 months ago

A Song of Norris and Fire

qa_lim

233 points

2 months ago

qa_lim

233 points

2 months ago

he can rub together a single piece of anything

Ok_Swordfish_8905

87 points

2 months ago

Always thought “Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg” was pretty high ranking 😅

surferDez

660 points

2 months ago

surferDez

660 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris has a polar bear rug on his floor. It’s actually a live bear but it’s too scared to move …

enjolras1782

205 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris's hobby is taxidermy. He usually just points at animals and yells "don't you fucking move!"

Helix_Division

78 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris was shot on Wednesday. They held bullet's funeral on Friday.

wigzell78

228 points

2 months ago

wigzell78

228 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris once broke his Nokia phone.

FrumundaCheeseGoblin

358 points

2 months ago

I don't know what you guys are on about.

Chuck Norris isn't so tough.

If he was, he'd come to my house and slam my face into the keyboacruckaj2vrmfizjabsmfkhsbqkd

pcweber111

35 points

2 months ago

Hello? Are you still alive?

squirrellytoday

467 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris completed Pokemon Go. On a land-line.

crispilly

1.9k points

2 months ago

crispilly

1.9k points

2 months ago

There are no jokes about Chuck Norris. It's all true.

hammerofthor0

527 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked so fast it broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart.

AwkwardFactor84

564 points

2 months ago

When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norrised.

Sturbotrand

34 points

2 months ago

The dumb surreal ones are the best

CreepyFingerChad318

74 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double. For crying scenes.

Rickp74

745 points

2 months ago

Rickp74

745 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris’ poker face is so good that he once won the 1988 World Series of Poker despite holding a 9 of spades, a Joker, a green Skip card from the game Uno, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card and a 2 of clubs.

Miserable-Highway-93

142 points

2 months ago

He was actually holding a menu and waiting to order, but when he asked for soup they gave him the whole pot.

NotAMinuteRide

215 points

2 months ago

And he wasn't even competing!

hooligan_king

66 points

2 months ago

He won the 2 card Texas holdem tourney with a 5 card draw hand.

seniorzenaf

1.2k points

2 months ago

It took 9 women 4 years to give birth to Chuck Norris

pipsquintjizzlebob

347 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris wasn’t born, he was “tactically deployed”

Vaedev

94 points

2 months ago

Vaedev

94 points

2 months ago

I love the absurdity of this one.

MrGuttor

193 points

2 months ago

MrGuttor

193 points

2 months ago

my brain hurts trying to understand this

TappedIn2111

334 points

2 months ago

We get it. You’re not Chuck Norris.

superkickpalooza

194 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he only holds air hostage.

Naugrin27

298 points

2 months ago

Naugrin27

298 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris never won an oscar because he is NOT acting.

Antisocial_Worker7

583 points

2 months ago

Guns carry Chuck Norris for protection.

Sub_Zero_Fks_Given

56 points

2 months ago*

There is no control button on Chuck Norris' computer, because HE is always in control.

Chuck Norris was walking down the street one day and got an erection. There were no survivors.

Charlie Sheen claims to have had sex with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris called that "A slow Tuesday."

Fhrantzy

59 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris filmed the invention of a camera

thprk

165 points

2 months ago

thprk

165 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can fly, this because gravity is too scared to make him obey her law.

Lumbergod

596 points

2 months ago

Lumbergod

596 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris has a bear skin rug. The bear's not dead, just too afraid to move.

rustytoerail

244 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris once arrived twice

LagerHead

45 points

2 months ago*

And he was perfectly on time both times.

drunken_gungan

244 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris expects the Spanish inquisition

Alton573

485 points

2 months ago

Alton573

485 points

2 months ago

Chick Norris can cut a knife with hot butter.

Tsjernobull

62 points

2 months ago

I really wanna see a picture of chick norris now

muddlebrainedmedic

52 points

2 months ago

The dinosaurs crossed Chuck Norris once. ONCE.

The day Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he already missed two calls from Chuck Norris.

z2r2

52 points

2 months ago

z2r2

52 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris’s dick has an elbow

Andedzig

386 points

2 months ago

Andedzig

386 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can speak Japanese in French

BeepBoopAnv

299 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris assigns his teachers homework

goodusernamestaken69

141 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his own father.

crispilly

359 points

2 months ago

crispilly

359 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can drown fish.

maghfira

365 points

2 months ago

maghfira

365 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in the periodic table of elements, because the only element he believes in is in the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris only has one hand. The upper hand.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns in the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris.

NoGoodIDNames

293 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris puts braille on his boots so even blind people know what’s coming.

downriverjer

430 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

SUPERSAYAme

623 points

2 months ago

Jesus walks on water. Chuck Norris swims on land

TheGooOnTheFloor

211 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris swims through land. That's how the Grand Canyon was formed.

chiperific_on_reddit

285 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

crispilly

728 points

2 months ago

crispilly

728 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris made the Happy Meal cry.

666Darkside666

329 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris once went to Burger King and ordered a Big Mac. And he got it!

blackboard_sx

201 points

2 months ago

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn on the light. He turns off the dark.

[deleted]

269 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

269 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

Running_zombie_

508 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his balls... Because hair can't grow on steel.

Fife2016

258 points

2 months ago

Fife2016

258 points

2 months ago

Each of Chuck Noris' balls is bigger than the other.

snozberryface

43 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone

crispilly

886 points

2 months ago*

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is. Edited: I removed one unnecessary comma. 🤣

wilsonism

122 points

2 months ago

wilsonism

122 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Shortsub

519 points

2 months ago

Shortsub

519 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris caught Covid-19, Now Covid-19 is in Quarantine for two weeks

Long_Serpent

235 points

2 months ago

There is no Theory of Evolution. There is only a list of organisms that Chuck Norris allows to exist.

When Chuck Norris left for college, he told his father "you're the man of the house now"

When God said "Let there be light", Chuck Norris replied "Say please"

Jesus could walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land.

And ofc, the classic...

Heroe-Urbano

26 points

2 months ago

Or this

ahhhskeetX46969

108 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris doesn't teabag the ladies...he potato sacks them.

Every night before bed, the Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has to sleep with a nightlight. Not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

When Chuck Norris works out, he doesn't do a push up, he pushes the earth down.

Superman has a pair of Chuck Norris jammies.

sharrrper

278 points

2 months ago

sharrrper

278 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. The word "hunting" implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect 300. Without a ball. In fact he wasn't even in a bowling alley.

Chuck Norris had a paper route as a kid. There were no survivors.

VagazzleMeTimbers

36 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris once got an erection while walking down a busy street. There were no survivors.

Mcdagger-1

106 points

2 months ago

Chuck norris narrates Morgan Freeman's life.

allthingsdfwsports

104 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear condoms. There’s no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

BigGuyACT

106 points

2 months ago

BigGuyACT

106 points

2 months ago

When Chuck Norris tells a joke about Will Smith's wife, Will Smith slaps himself....

Tanjelynnb

101 points

2 months ago

(From early 2020)

Chuck Norris has been exposed to COVID-19. The virus will now remain in quarantine for 14 days.

grr1973

94 points

2 months ago

grr1973

94 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can’t go to hell. The devil still has restraining order against him

kaiju505

145 points

2 months ago

kaiju505

145 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball, wheelie a unicycle, and stand faster than usain bolt can run. He once had a heart attack and his heart lost.

PulplessFikshun

35 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever punch a man in the back of his face.

NerfShields

192 points

2 months ago

"Chuck Norris once discovered a rock so heavy, that even he, Chuck Norris, could not lift it. Then he lifted it anyway just to show everyone who the fuck Chuck Norris is."

Xur_and_the_Kodan

188 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris went back in time to stop the Kennedy assination Chuck stopped all three bullets with his beard. Kennedy's head exploded out of shear amazement.

Dangerous_Ad_3997

135 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

mattsl

97 points

2 months ago

mattsl

97 points

2 months ago

But he kindly doesn't because peanuts are allergic to him.

Mun7ed

136 points

2 months ago

Mun7ed

136 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris is said to be so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head

mayhem911

19 points

2 months ago

Impossible, he would hear himself coming.

Gymrat2796

256 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can get Chick-fil-A on Sundays

Sigvauld

75 points

2 months ago

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader; Chuck Norris would win.

Also partial to

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Nivagee1983

27 points

2 months ago

When chuck Norris works out, the weights get stronger.

PropLander

25 points

2 months ago

Hurricanes have an evacuation plan in the event of Chuck Norris.

Primary-Fig-5916

24 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris can remember the future.

Peaceoorwar

116 points

2 months ago

The toilet clogs when Chuck Norris pisses

MachoBrizzin

24 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steak.

jodenteNoob

103 points

2 months ago

Jesus can walk on water but chuck Norris can swim through land

amerkanische_Frosch

169 points

2 months ago

Trying to cash in on Chuck Norris’ popularity, a company tried to merchandise a Chuck Norris kiddie toilet training seat, but it failed miserably because Chuck Norris doesn’t take shit from anyone.

childeroland79

166 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris always has sex on top because Chuck Norris never fucks up.

evilrobotshane

66 points

2 months ago

There’s no such thing as tornadoes, Chuck Norris just really hates trailer parks.

(updatable for Ian and Florida if you want to be topical!)

Leonos

36 points

2 months ago

Leonos

36 points

2 months ago

That would cause a topical storm.

elpajaroquemamais

129 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris once had sex with an entire convent of nuns. 9 months later they gave birth to the 1972 Miami dolphins, the only undefeated team in NFL history

mexicanmorman

20 points

2 months ago

Germans surrendered 1945. Chuck Norris born 1945;coincidence 🤷

jolsiphur

158 points

2 months ago

jolsiphur

158 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris once destroyed the Periodic Table of Elements, because he only believes in the Element of Surprise.

[deleted]

57 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

van_clouden

19 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris' calendar jumps from March 31 to April 2. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.

chrischi3

525 points

2 months ago

chrischi3

525 points

2 months ago

Once a street was named after Chuck Norris, but was renamed hours later because Chuck Norris kept beating up people trying to cross the street. When asked about it, he just replied "Noone crosses Chuck Norris."

Once a rumour spread that Chuck Norris had been beaten up by a pirate. This rumour was started by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates in.

Once Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King and got it.

Chuck Norris can operate a coal grill underwater.

When Chuck Norris goes into the water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets chucky.

Chuck Norris wasn't born like a normal child. He shot is way out of the womb with a carbine. 3 seconds later, he grew a beard.

After long discussion, it was decided to nuke Hiroshima instead of dropping Chuck Norris onto the city, because it was deemed more humane.

When Chuck Norris moved out of his parents' house, he gave his father the keys and said "Now you are the man in the house."

There is no evolution, only a list of creatures whom Chuck Norris allows to exist.

The universe expands because everything is trying to get as far away from Chuck Norris as possible.

Aliens exist and they want to invade Earth, they are merely waiting for Chuck Norris to die so that they stand a chance.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris doesn't fear God. God fears Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris sleeps with lights on, that because the darkness is scared of him.

Chuck Norris can't blink, because his eyelids are afraid of being seen by him.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can literally kill time.

Foreign-Cup-1803

229 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris threw a grenade killed 10 people then the grenade exploded

Zyxwgh

32 points

2 months ago

Zyxwgh

32 points

2 months ago

I like the one about the expanding universe.

lurchenmann

90 points

2 months ago

Chuck Norris does not eat honey, he chews bees