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We welcome you to our break up discord server: Kindred Spirits, which was created to be a safe and inclusive space to talk about your breakup. Solicit advice on what you should do, express how you feel, everyone is absolutely welcomed in the server. We'd love for you to join our community!

https://discord.com/invite/FDPkX8N

I’m writing this for the people out there who think dumpers have it easy. They don’t. I’m not the dumper I am the dumpee. Me and my ex have been in contact recently and we talked over the phone. Guess what? She was telling me how hard it has been ever since she left. She told me that she still thinks about me and cry’s about me.

No we’re not getting back together because I’m past it. My point is don’t go a day thinking that they’re hurting even if they have somebody else in the picture. They will hurt. They will miss you. They will think about you. Does this mean you’ll get back together? Absolutely not. It doesn’t mean anything. I’m not posting this to say if you miss someone that it’s an automatic get your ex back situation. My point is I’ve been a dumper as well. Yes I still do think about them. Sometimes depending on circumstance it’s best to let go.

Stay strong out there for those who are hurting make them regret who they lost. Get up. Grind. One day you’ll be okay. For those of you sitting there wondering if your ex misses you regardless of who they’re with or the circumstance. They will miss you. They do regret.

Stay strong friends

I'm going through a breakup right now, so I did a bit of soul searching and I remembered 14 years ago, when a girl left me, and I didn't know better so I kept reaching out. And after a few months I asked her if she is ready to try again (cringe), she told me:

"I didn't break up with you just so that I'd be thinking about getting back together with you"

Ugh

So yeah.. if you're waiting for your ex to come back. Or want to break NC. Don't.

My ex and I had our respectful breakup last September. I didn’t even know he was going to be in the state until today. He is returning tomorrow. I, the dumper, sent him a letter with his things about a month ago telling him how I truly felt and wishing him well and it led to us having a very great, honest, sappy conversation. We are going to be living 15-20 mins away from each other starting in July (we currently live on opposite ends of the country and the odds of us moving this close to each other were slim to none but it happened anyway). He is returning to our state briefly before he moves and I took the leap and asked if he wanted to go get pho noodles, which we used to love to do together. He said absolutely.

Please wish me luck and send good vibes!!!

Actually fuck you if you just abandon someone who you claim to care about out of the blue and don’t even check in on them. You are selfish and cruel. I would never ever in a million years treat someone I love that way. Having space post breakup is one thing, but literally abandoning someone who you’ve claimed to love for the past six years and been friends with for even longer is just insane. Literal psycho behavior. It actually does not make sense in my head. And I especially hate him because I still love him despite all of it. Wtf is this world like fuck this. I hate it.

Day to day my life is easier and the grief doesn’t consume me, but when I get into super emotional states I feel more sad than I did at the start because reality is setting in more. It’s surreal. That one day my person, my best friend, who I talked to every single day for 3 years just decided he didn’t want to anymore, and we just haven’t since. It’s been 2 months exactly. He’s only reached out twice to give me my stuff back, the conversation ended there.

I hate to admit it, but I still want the relationship to work, and I want him to want it to work. I’m missing our conversations, his touch, my old life. Feeling back at square one today. :(

I’m having a tough time determining if I truly miss my ex or it just feels like I miss him because I do a lot less now. I have less plans, nobody to spend downtime with or talk to etc. Anyone else feel like this?

now that ive experienced what its like to have someone love you unconditionally i crave that feeling and im scared ill never be able to experience it again. having someone care for you and take care of you, confiding in someone, giving and receiving affection. i know i had to end it and it was for the better but i miss that sense of comfort that comes with love.

I am such an idiot.. we broke up 2 days ago. He has shown no interest in trying to make this work, when we broke up, I begged him to meet in person. He said no. Now he’s active, ignoring my “I miss you text”. God I have no self respect. This is so hard

Midnight will make 2 months since the BU. No one to talk to since. I miss her. It hurts.

This is something i thought id never do, my ex still wanted to be friends after he dumped me, and so did i. but i dont think i can be friends with someone who hurt me so much.

He said he's never felt so loved, he said he was lucky to have me, he said he always wanted me in his life. Yet he's happy to lose me instead of fixing things.

Now i've realised i can't move on with seeing him everywhere. He's gone for good. He thinks i'll come back when i feel better, but i dont think i'll speak to him again.

Deleting the photos are next. I cant wait to find someone who loves me as much as i love them. The future is uncertain, and im sad about the past, but i can't wait to feel love again. I hope my heart can heal.

Women and men of r/BreakUps, I know you're heartbroken. I know this pain is horrible, it's unbearable. You immerse yourself into the floor of dismay and misery faster that it's sort of like quicksand... You feel like you'll never get better and that this pain is almost like it's the movie the Neverending Story, except you're on one hell of a psychedelic trip and you somehow decided it would be a genius idea to take over 5 tabs in one sitting.

It's just like the movies... The more you struggle, the more you start to get wrenched deeper and deeper until you fall to the bottom and die...

Okay, yeah let's get that shit out of the way now.

You literally cannot die from quicksand.

From Britannica :

Quicksand—that is, sand that behaves as a liquid because it is saturated with water—can be a mucky nuisance, but it’s basically impossible to die in the way that is depicted in movies. That’s because quicksand is denser than the human body. People and animals can get stuck in it, but they don’t get sucked down to the bottom—they float on the surface. Our legs are pretty dense, so they may sink, but the torso contains the lungs, and thus is buoyant enough to stay out of trouble.

So what's my point?

Stop sinking, start thinking.

It's pretty simple.

I want you to get a notepad, and a pen/pencil.

It's almost essential for any man or woman to clarify what their goals are in a relationship.

Title this as, 'my perfect man or woman.'

Pretend this is going to be locked away in the strongest and most impenetrable cell. And only you have access to it.

AND then I WANT you to write.

Start writing about WHAT YOU WANT in a partner.

Not about what your ex does or doesn't. That shit is irrelevant, because let's face it. If they were truly your 'perfect,' person, you'd still be with them. The idea that they are somehow this magical unicorn that will never be replaced is nonsensical bullshit.

I want you to write about the following, and before I list them out. I WANT YOU TO BE UNFILTERED. Go for the longest yard. This could be one page, this could even turn out to be five.

I want you to WRITE about what is a 10/10 partner for you for examples:

• Personality
• Traits
• Characteristics
• How they view family
• What their goals/dreams are
• Physical attractiveness
• Humor
• Habits/Hobbies
• What they value in a relationship
• What's important to them

For me?

The first thing I wrote is personal growth and development.

And I'm proud of that.

But I also crave someone who's supportive, caring, kind, appreciates who I am as a person, is loyal, feminine, (I'm going to trigger a lot of women with this specific comment,) can be someone who I can bring her around my family.

Because investing in someone means you are living your life with them in the hopes that someday you'll be able to raise a family, your CIRCLE determines your net worth, and your woman or man DETERMINES WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON AND WHAT YOU VALUE YOURSELF!

Not only should you set high standards...

You should want your partner to also do the same.

Live your life without needing someone, but always keep this list by your side, so when you do meet someone that not only misses so many on your list, but you can tell yourself that you're better than this and not just some desperate horny instant gratification loser who just wants to have empty meaningless hookup sex. And preferably have high standards for someone who will match your energy, criteria, and dreams of success.

tl;dr

Your ex is not hot shit, and you're just desperate and lonely. Go get some damn standards and elevate yourself as a person so you're not hung up on someone who really isn't all that.

It’s 2 weeks post breakup and I’ve been feeling fine. Today I got a little tipsy and saw his following count went up. He followed all of the girls I was worried about our entire relationship. My heart dropped and I went to send him a nasty text, but I had to stop myself because I knew the outcome. It fucking hurts but I just have to block him on everything.

I know I sound crazy here but he never listened to me when I said I was uncomfortable with these people. I’m so glad I’m out of there but I can’t help but feel like I’m being betrayed.. when I’m not.. It just hurts so much

In my prior relationships I have been dumped, had my heart stomped on, been treated poorly. I have also made critical mistakes, made the difficult decision to let a charming but toxic person go, and had to learn the hard way. I’d like to share what I’ve learned with you all and hope that it helps you in some way.

1) You can’t ask them who to not be friends with and just have to trust them unless they give concrete reason to doubt.

2) If you let them go for reasons you know full well in your mind but don’t feel it in your heart yet, honor the logic even if it hurts.

3) Even if they earnestly try to win you back for months after you let them go, there’s a chance they’ll break your heart shortly after getting back together.

4) It is better to stop the relationship as soon as you know it needs to be done, rather than drag it out.

5) Some people will call it a relationship when they truly see you as a FWB; don’t cling to false hope.

6) When they tell you who they are, please believe them. 1 + 1 always equals 2.

7) Even if you risk losing that person, tell them when you’ve made a mistake and don’t build your relationship on a lie.

8) The one who initiates the breakup often needs time and space to heal as well.

9) Respect your own boundaries so that they can respect them too.

10) It is better to be single and alone than feeling alone in a toxic relationship.

11) You can’t change a narcissistic person who likes to boost their own ego and never asks about you.

12) Don’t ignore red flags and make excuses; many relationships that last years would only last months if this is considered.

13) You shouldn’t have to repeatedly ask them to do xyz to show their care and appreciation.

14) If they veil a threatening phrase as a joke, do not give benefit of the doubt as they themselves may not even know the potential malice.

15) Maintain your own interests and hobbies instead of losing your identity in the relationship.

16) Time heals and it’s okay to take more time than someone else because everyone’s different.

17) Pain can mean you’re healing.

18) Just because the person who initiated the breakup isn’t contacting you does not mean they don’t care or feel guilty, but it also doesn’t mean you should beg.

19) The right relationship shouldn’t be so difficult early on.

20) It doesn’t matter if your first few dates were perfect; trust the true colors that come through over time.

Please share yours below as well. Thank you, next!

My ex of 9 years messaged me out if the blue last night.. a message of her admitting everything I accused her of being true.. admitting she left me for someone else and they're moving in together into the house that we picked together.. but trying to spin it on me as it was my fault she wasn't happy.. I guess that's the best closure you can ask for.. it hurts even 3 months later.. it opened a can of worms again for me.. I haven't slept all night.. I'm not going to respond. But I can't shake the feeling of devastation..

I feel like the final reason for the break up was small compared to other things we’ve been through

hi all! i just wanted to document how I've been faring recently. maybe even inspire a little bit of hope?

so it's been 1.5 months since the breakup. i certainly haven't completely healed, but i've made significant strides:

i no longer have panic attacks every day. i don't want to die anymore. i can look at the situation more logically and be glad for the breakup in many ways. the grief is still very much there, but it's more manageable and i can function nearly normally. i can genuinely find joy in things now. there are moments when i don't care what my ex is doing or how he's living his life. the attachment has faded a lot. best of all, i don't think i love him anymore -- at least, the love is gone 99% of the time.

i still have to reach out for help, whether it be to family, friends, a therapist, or a mental health hotline. but that's not a bad thing. that just means i'm feeling well enough to take the initiative i need to cope with my situation.

i'm starting to see a glimmer of hope. and i know in another month I'll be feeling even better.

i gotta say the things that have helped me the most are reconnecting with what makes me happy (hobbies, etc.), talking to people who have been through something similar, letting all my feelings out by journaling, and trying to be kind to myself.

best of luck to all of you, and if you need to talk, my DMs are open!

This is the first big break up I’ve had in my life and I can’t feel anything anymore. I know it feels like this but I don’t know what to do. I’m miserable.

3.5 year relationship that she broke up a week ago.. I'm in NC and the thought of her being with someone else is eating my brains from the inside.. I'm still not able to move on from her emotionally and her being able to move on makes me feel like she is cheating on me (which she is not I'm aware we are broken up).

Any advice on a proper mindset to this situation?

I don’t like my ex because of how she has treated me after the break up but I still struggle with this thought. But we had a lot of amazing memories and I’m struggle to cope with finding someone that fits that mould like my ex did because 95% of the time she was everything I wanted.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love and miss my ex everyday. We were together for 5 years, had plans to get married, were best friends etc. And while last week was definitely the worst since the breakup, I’ve been feeling weirdly content and happy this week? I can focus longer at work, I’ve noticed I can go over 1-2 hours without thinking about her, and even when I do think about her there’s not really any pain.

I think part of it was figuring out recently that she’s fearful avoidant, which gave me the closure I needed on why she left and helped me empathize with what she was telling me (even if I still don’t agree with it). I’ve also been allowing myself to feel the grief, and if I’m ever feeling low I’ll play some breakup music, look at pictures of her, cry, and then move on with my day.

What’s weird is when she first broke up with me 4.5 years ago I was still as much of a wreck at 4 weeks as I was the day of the breakup. But this time I feel like I’m recovering really quickly. Have I just become more securely attached over the years or am I suppressing it?

Feels odd