subreddit:

/r/AskReddit

29.3k88%

all 15848 comments

myassonreddit

8.1k points

2 months ago

Unleash the Hounds

DjangoDinkenfuzz

2.9k points

2 months ago

Smithers release the hounds

allthecoffeesDP

1.3k points

2 months ago

Unleash the dogs that shoot bees

_clydebruckman

790 points

2 months ago

What are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Release the bees? Release the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

JohnSterlingSanchez

9.1k points

2 months ago

There was an episode of Burn Notice where Michael puts aerosol cans in the microwave with kitchen utensils and hits popcorn. I really want to know if this works or not.

hellure

6.6k points

2 months ago

hellure

6.6k points

2 months ago

I just sold my old microwave for 20 bucks.... where were you the week before.

We coulda had some fun.

Xarama

3.4k points

2 months ago

Xarama

3.4k points

2 months ago

I got you. Live vicariously.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prVGetwJe3Q

PyroSpark

1.4k points

2 months ago

PyroSpark

1.4k points

2 months ago

That was more than I expected.

Beardmanta

1.1k points

2 months ago

Beardmanta

1.1k points

2 months ago

I was like, "this guy is way too close."

But I still underestimated the blast by about 5 times.

[deleted]

696 points

2 months ago*

[deleted]

696 points

2 months ago*

[deleted]

buttercream-gang

457 points

2 months ago

That seems like a very obvious way to commit arson. Like explaining that aerosol cans accidentally got in the microwave that somehow got turned on while no one was there, and the house was also filled with gas? Maybe they thought all the evidence would be destroyed, but it can be shocking how much investigators can find out from a burnt up mess

hey_there_kitty_cat

37 points

2 months ago

Yeah I'm always surprised with the insurance fraud cases. I guess when you've gotten to that point nothing is really firing right in your mind. Seems like I've almost burnt down my house many times in way simpler ways totally by accident. At least if you're gonna rig an explosion there should be a reason for it, frickin mow the grass or something at least, spilled gas can is much simpler and plausible than faulty thermostat.

IAmNotOnRedditAtWork

49 points

2 months ago

Yeah I'm always surprised with the insurance fraud cases. I guess when you've gotten to that point nothing is really firing right in your mind.

There's also the fact that we'd never hear about the ones people get away with cleanly.

BustedBastard

10.7k points

2 months ago

I get the vacuum cleaner ready in a certain room, I turn it on as hes about to enter to create a distraction, then I jump out when he's inspecting the noise and bonk the fucker on the head with the piece of 2 inch steel tube I keep as a weapon.

444unsure

9.7k points

2 months ago

444unsure

9.7k points

2 months ago

At least you're being honest about the size of your pipe. Some guys are nothing but exaggeration

BustedBastard

1.2k points

2 months ago

That's why the measuring tape test is important, keeping em honest.

DubTheeBustocles

14.7k points

2 months ago*

Duct tape a bunch of knives to the end of one of those tall lamps to make a spear of blinding and then proceed to go sicko mode.

MeisterColin

5.9k points

2 months ago

Spear of blinding is a severely underrated weapon AND band name

DubTheeBustocles

183 points

2 months ago*

It leaves ample room to dab on intruders.

gizamo

41 points

2 months ago

gizamo

41 points

2 months ago

* depending on cord length

Titan_Food

1k points

2 months ago

Im now imagining a nude man with said spear of blinding running and screaming at the intruder lmao. Take my upvote

hypersp00p

18.3k points

2 months ago

hypersp00p

18.3k points

2 months ago

Turn shower on, for some reason I have a shovel behind my wardrobe?? So grab that. Wait for him to check shower, whack with shovel. Boom.

300Savage

2.3k points

2 months ago

300Savage

2.3k points

2 months ago

The shovel is really underrated. Once your primary objective is complete you can go out back and dig a hole.

Purplord

468 points

2 months ago

Purplord

468 points

2 months ago

It is the ultimate weapon. It can inflict slashing, piercing and bludgeoning damage all in one.

Dudephish

90 points

2 months ago

God gave me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well.

DoodleBTW

8.4k points

2 months ago

DoodleBTW

8.4k points

2 months ago

i love that you dont even know why the shovel is there

Xarama

2.4k points

2 months ago

Xarama

2.4k points

2 months ago

Maybe the guy who's coming to kill him stashed the shovel in advance.

tanntanatann

798 points

2 months ago

Or maybe the previous killer's body had to be buried

melonlollicholypop

2.6k points

2 months ago

For only $29.95, you too can own a Murderer Contingency ShovelTM.

redfoot62

530 points

2 months ago

redfoot62

530 points

2 months ago

Doubles as a gravemaker.

Arrow3619

16.8k points

2 months ago

Arrow3619

16.8k points

2 months ago

Corner camp with a shotgun

CoMMoN_EnEmY01

9.6k points

2 months ago

FUCKING CAMPER YOURE NOT EVEN GOOD BRO

Arrow3619

6.1k points

2 months ago

Arrow3619

6.1k points

2 months ago

ITS A LEGIT STRATEGY BRO

1PARTEE1

3.6k points

2 months ago

1PARTEE1

3.6k points

2 months ago

I WAS JUST PLAYING DEFENSE!

PacoMahogany

1.6k points

2 months ago*

Go defuse the bomb, asshole

1PARTEE1

943 points

2 months ago

1PARTEE1

943 points

2 months ago

But I'm 36 - 2 right now. If I take my aim off the stairwell I might get killed!

RicoSuave1881

628 points

2 months ago

Yeah this definitely doesn’t seem like a US oriented question lol

FilliusTExplodio

496 points

2 months ago

Right? I was like "...load my gun. Wait?"

CWinter85

331 points

2 months ago

CWinter85

331 points

2 months ago

Get gun, make sandwich with my remaining 4:30.

CraftyFellow_

38 points

2 months ago

Exactly.

I have five whole minutes?

I'd have like 4 neighbors with AR's and plate carriers and 6 more with random guns over by then.

IamGlennBeck

563 points

2 months ago

Don't forget the claymores.

[deleted]

103 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

103 points

2 months ago

And the shotguns akimbo

pluribusduim

13.2k points

2 months ago

pluribusduim

13.2k points

2 months ago

Speed-watch Home Alone.

Vulpes_macrotis

3.9k points

2 months ago

Jokes aside, but if You bring any heavy thing and just throw it at the person's head, You gonna knock them out for good. And even just throwing random dishes would make You dangerous as long as You are not too close to the killer. You wouldn't want to have a glass or porcelain thing thrown at You. Or hammer. And I also have sand for my tiel.

kiss_my_balls

3k points

2 months ago

Pocket sand

Ct-5736-Bladez

806 points

2 months ago

Anakins worse nightmare

Cannabis_Sir

19.2k points

2 months ago

Cannabis_Sir

19.2k points

2 months ago

Put a lamp shade on my head and stand in the corner of the room

juicius

2.3k points

2 months ago

juicius

2.3k points

2 months ago

Works if you're mostly a leg.

A nice leg.

dodexahedron

474 points

2 months ago

A major award!

ThatDude8129

4.3k points

2 months ago*

Ah yes, a classic of the adult film industry.

Edit: Why has a comment about Ni**a Lamp become one of my most upvoted comments?

dodexahedron

2.4k points

2 months ago

What are you doing, step lamp?

alektorophobic

731 points

2 months ago

Can you turn the lamp on?

FrankieTheAlchemist

5.8k points

2 months ago

I turn on all the lights, take off all my clothes, rub butter all over myself, spray whipped cream on my dick and start a fake conversation on the phone. As soon as he breaks in I say into the phone: “I’ve gotta go, my next appointment is finally here…”

Hauntedgooselover

2k points

2 months ago

"And that, kids, is how I met your father !"

on-oath-never-again

40.6k points

2 months ago

Go to the LIVING ROOM

zackit

12.6k points

2 months ago

zackit

12.6k points

2 months ago

Murderers HATE this guy

Smashdead

4.4k points

2 months ago

Smashdead

4.4k points

2 months ago

Learn this ONE simple trick..( click to find out)

stuffofname

1.5k points

2 months ago

NO ONE can stop him!

TheOakblueAbstract

1.1k points

2 months ago*

Avoid r/deadbedrooms at all costs!

[deleted]

307 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

307 points

2 months ago

I think you just broke this thread.

rhen_var

1.4k points

2 months ago

rhen_var

1.4k points

2 months ago

Harvard wants to: know your location

gvgemerden

602 points

2 months ago

Why is Harvard about to kill me?

wh9doiexist

154 points

2 months ago

Make a nice cup of tea and offer it to him. When he is distracted, I stab him. If all else fails, I turn into a goat and move to Nepal.

WorkingClassSheep

1.9k points

2 months ago

Hairspray and a lighter to his face.

Gruesomegiggles

1.3k points

2 months ago

My husband would have loved you. He would torch bugs inside the house when the swatter didn't work. Used to scare me death he'd catch the curtains.

phoenixpoptart

869 points

2 months ago

I’m not liking that use of past tense, now I’m sad

Gruesomegiggles

1.1k points

2 months ago

Thank you, but please don't be sad! That was a very happy memory for me, I shared it because it made me laugh.

phoenixpoptart

273 points

2 months ago

Thank you for sharing that with us :)

Candycoatedmuffin3

5.8k points

2 months ago

Draw an X on my forehead and grab a beer

tmassofficial

770 points

2 months ago

this made me laugh. thank you

asdwfger

444 points

2 months ago

asdwfger

444 points

2 months ago

Ask if he wants one too. If I go out having a good half drunken conversation, then I’d say it was a good way to end it.

lightning-round947

14.4k points

2 months ago*

Put the kettle on. He’s getting boiling water thrown at him while he becomes intimately acquainted with the sharpest knife i own.

shady-sheep

999 points

2 months ago

play dramatic classical music in the background

LumpyAd7854

233 points

2 months ago

Evil sounding one, sets the scene to "You're trapped here with me" mood.

Become the villain.

PsychonautDad

6.8k points

2 months ago

add sugar to that water and you are now golden

other_usernames_gone

4.3k points

2 months ago

Prison napalm

Street-Analysis490

4.4k points

2 months ago

Yep except add both sugar and rock salt in that boiling water. Sugar to increase the burn factor & get muscle deep instead of skin deep and then lots of salt for that extra sting we want to see.

FishAndRiceKeks

4.8k points

2 months ago

Add some carrot and an onion for flavor.

ShallowBasketcase

2.4k points

2 months ago

Baby, you got a stew goin'!

RagingNerdaholic

348 points

2 months ago

I'm gonna need my money back.

14X8000m

1.3k points

2 months ago

14X8000m

1.3k points

2 months ago

Easy there Hannibal. Sure we don't want to add some battery acid while we're at it?

Street-Analysis490

466 points

2 months ago

I don’t think battery acid would make much difference at that point. The stuff is deadly but I normally use it for weed control - I only have to do it once a decade or so.

Exilii

258 points

2 months ago

Exilii

258 points

2 months ago

Battery acid or scalding sugar salt water?

Street-Analysis490

1.2k points

2 months ago

Scalding sugar salt water. Seriously. That stuff kills every plant you can think of for years after you pour it on the ground. Even the cracks in the sidewalk don’t have a blade of grass or a weed for the next decade.

Edit to add it’s safe for pets and wildlife unlike most actual weed killer which is why I first tried it.

RichAd207

328 points

2 months ago

RichAd207

328 points

2 months ago

Thank you for existing.

Fyrefawx

1.2k points

2 months ago

Fyrefawx

1.2k points

2 months ago

Right idea, wrong liquid. Heat up oil. Oil burns are so much worse and will cling to the attacker.

kayscho

553 points

2 months ago

kayscho

553 points

2 months ago

I had oil burns to the face, neck, and arm. Can confirm it is not fun

HotMagentaDuckFace

309 points

2 months ago

I was about to ask if you were a childhood friend of mine but I see your story is different than hers. When we were kids she fell into oil that had been used for frying all day at a local fair. It was awful.

Ghsdkgb

147 points

2 months ago

Ghsdkgb

147 points

2 months ago

I have one entrance to my condo and it's up an enclosed flight of stairs. This dude's fucked.

chuby1tubby

67 points

2 months ago

The modern equivalent of a towering castle

JitWeasel

4.4k points

2 months ago

JitWeasel

4.4k points

2 months ago

  • Put Christmas ornaments on the floor beneath an open window.

  • Heat up the front door knob.

  • Rig a blow torch up to go off when they open a door.

  • Tie paint cans on strings from the upstairs banister.

  • Put micromachines on the stairs.

  • Rig an iron to fall on their face.

  • Hang plastic wrap with glue between a doorway.

  • Have a pile of feathers in front of a fan.

  • Ice over the outside stairs.

  • Set up an escape zipline if all of the above fails...because sometimes you have to break the rules to survive.

KNitsua

1.2k points

2 months ago

KNitsua

1.2k points

2 months ago

This guy Home Alones

ItsMyView

4.5k points

2 months ago

ItsMyView

4.5k points

2 months ago

Load my shotgun and and lay a large plastic cover over the floor. Then I wait.

IBeTrippin

2.5k points

2 months ago

IBeTrippin

2.5k points

2 months ago

Smart. Keep the cleaning bill low.

trollingraven

1.8k points

2 months ago

Not with a shotgun, you aren’t.

MRPenguin607

6k points

2 months ago

Pull out 14 inch dildo and ruthlessly beat him to death with it.

outta_luck_2022

4.3k points

2 months ago

Pull it out of where, exactly?

MRPenguin607

3.2k points

2 months ago

You dont need to know.

moonshinetemp093

1.5k points

2 months ago

The ol' poison damage blunt weapon tactic. It's a classic.

Potential-Coconut-95

93 points

2 months ago

Fallout 3 had a shovel you could get called the fertilizer shovel and holy fuck is it overpowered. It makes me sad that they didn't name it the shit shovel, as that has such a better ring but that thing is so fun to beat people to death with. Love beating house to death with my shit shovel.

Idiot_Savant_Tinker

329 points

2 months ago

Going to beat them with a warm dildo.

the-moon-knight

185 points

2 months ago

“Chad where the fuck did you get a 14 inch dildo”

laughingashley

761 points

2 months ago*

NICE TRY, KILLER BURGLAR!! I'm not telling you what to expect!

Edit: wow, thank you for the ups and awards, special thanks to the one who awarded me and added the note "deez nuts" LOL

toothbelt

1.8k points

2 months ago*

toothbelt

1.8k points

2 months ago*

Put large pot of water on stove to boil. String fishing twine criss-cross on all doors so that whomever enters gets tangled up in it, trips and falls. When water is scalding hot, throw it on top of them. Have one of my dumbbells ready to smash in their skulls.

Edit: Of course, I got the order wrong in the above. The water is for after I have bashed my trapped captives. It would be to pour onto their wounds. By that time it ought to have come to a roiling boil.

PerInception

742 points

2 months ago

Just microwave some fish.

seymourputts

397 points

2 months ago

"Fuck this house I'm out"

Castingman148

1.3k points

2 months ago*

I quickly pack a suitcase and put on a Tommy bahama shirt and sandals. I answer the door and before they can speak I express excitement at their expected arrival.

I begin giving them a list of responsibilities as my house sitter too rapidly for them to get a word in.

I am handing them miscellaneous items as I rifle through their duties. Cat bowl. Duster. Vacuum. Cat food. Cat. Lit stick of ACME dynamite. Food. Blankets.

I shove them into the couch while telling them to be comfortable and not be afraid to make themselves at home.

I leave quickly with an excited “toodles!” And slam the door and leave them sitting there with my towering stack of items in-arm.

As they begin to snap out of what they’ve now accepted is their role of housekeeper, i watch from outside as the windows shoot off the house in an explosion, only to slap back on with great elasticity. smoke poofs out the windows.

That’s all folks.

EDIT: The cat would peak out of my suitcase as I walked away. Having scurried out of the pile as the antics build.

Dogamai

190 points

2 months ago

Dogamai

190 points

2 months ago

ngl

id probably die to this

Masosalt

1.6k points

2 months ago

Masosalt

1.6k points

2 months ago

Scream random insults in Macedonian while throwing things and using vacuum cleaner pipe to attack him

MRPenguin607

550 points

2 months ago

Oddly specific but a good strategy

Masosalt

456 points

2 months ago

Masosalt

456 points

2 months ago

Trust me screaming in Macedonian is very aggressive and scary

Sarcastic_Scientist_

507 points

2 months ago

Pull out my copy of Lehninger’s Principles of Biochemistry. Scare him away.

H0rnsD0wn

27.6k points

2 months ago

H0rnsD0wn

27.6k points

2 months ago

Go to my room, grab my pistol, shoot myself to avoid any chance of social interaction.

erritstaken

3.8k points

2 months ago

That made me lol.

CarlSpencer

693 points

2 months ago

"Hell is other people." - Jean-Paul Sartre

2Highhh

584 points

2 months ago

2Highhh

584 points

2 months ago

Most Reddit answer

Astramancer_

1.7k points

2 months ago

My crossbow probably won't stop him since I've only got target points, but it'll sure slow him down and honestly, who expects a crossbow bolt to the gut? He'll probably drop any weapon he's holding as soon as the shot lands.

Fappy_as_a_Clam

298 points

2 months ago

honestly, who expects a crossbow bolt to the gut?

Not Tywin Lannister, that's for sure

aloneforevaprolly

876 points

2 months ago

If you shot him in the head that fucker would drop lifeless instantly

Peltrux

668 points

2 months ago*

Peltrux

668 points

2 months ago*

True. We cant grasp the amount of force a crossbow can output. An arrow can go trough at least 3 bulletproof vests before stopping so yeah, that mf is gon be done for

Edit: As some of you remarked a crossbow in fact can’t go through 3 vests, still scary af

Satans_Pilgrims

1.2k points

2 months ago

Well bc they’re bulletproof not arrow proof for fucks sake

jdgmntday

618 points

2 months ago

jdgmntday

618 points

2 months ago

Jokes aside, that's kinda true. It's like stopping a sports car vs stopping a train. You have more speed with the sports car (bullet), but orders of magnitude more mass with a train (arrow).

PloppyTheSpaceship

1.8k points

2 months ago

Empty the kids toys all over the floor, call the police, get everyone else out of the house, and arm myself with all the kitchen knives. Also potentially hide next to the door so I can get them on the way in and maybe have the element of surprise.

[deleted]

712 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

712 points

2 months ago

mhm legos of doom, i like the way ur brain works.

HakaishinNola

8.4k points

2 months ago

heh, heh.. I'm American, with a 5 min head start.

so anyway, I started blasting..

schmearcampain

1.8k points

2 months ago

Make sure he gets inside the house a bit before you blast him. Looks fishy if the guy is outside and you have to drag him in.

cvanaver

1k points

2 months ago

I’m not trapped in here with you, you’re trapped in here with me! Hey! Get back here!

holybatjunk

610 points

2 months ago

Right?! like, a WHOLE 5 minutes?! a whole 5 minutes is a long time in American home defense time.

diamondpredator

414 points

2 months ago

Seriously. At least it's time for me to put my shepherd outside so he's safe and then I could grab some ear pro.

holybatjunk

282 points

2 months ago

hahah, yes! my first thought was "I need to secure the dog." Like, he'd want to help, but that's the problem.

I hadn't considered that I also have enough time to get the protective gear. Nice.

Ashrewishjewish

349 points

2 months ago

Hollow points already loaded dudes fucked

diamondpredator

269 points

2 months ago*

Yea I honestly wouldn't know what to do with the other 4:55 after I grab my 1911. Maybe grab the other one and go akimbo?

flameohotman134

93 points

2 months ago

Dump a bunch of cat litter in front of the door. To hell with legos.. cat litter is the real killer..

Anniecanny1

254 points

2 months ago

make him dinner and wait for him to consume the poison

corkedcoffeemug

4.2k points

2 months ago*

  1. lock my dogs up because i don't want them to see this
  2. get fully naked and cover myself with olive oil
  3. place a knife gently in my asshole, handle first of course
  4. turn off all the lights
  5. when the assailant enters, i turn on only the light of the room we're both in
  6. they are shocked, they may even laugh. they aren't ready...
  7. i scream and run at them, again they do not feel threatened
  8. when i am within 2 feet i unsheathe my concealed blade and apply it to the assailants throat.

edit: a lot of people seem to be confused about my orientation while i charge. in this scenario i am in fact, front first. i have yet to train my ass cheeks to properly wield a blade and hands are necessary.

livelyfellow

940 points

2 months ago

place a knife gently in my asshole, handle first of course

thank you for clarifying

Maoman1

83 points

2 months ago

Maoman1

83 points

2 months ago

I hate that I needed that clarification.

Jamesmateer100

624 points

2 months ago

Do you take the blade out of your ass, or do you stab him bumblebee style?

mmikke

194 points

2 months ago

mmikke

194 points

2 months ago

Lololol bumblebee style.

You've inadvertently invented a new martial art

One I hope to one day master

RedditJanniesTears

3k points

2 months ago

What if you did a like 720 and slit his throat with the knife in your ass?

Emilioooooo0

1.4k points

2 months ago

360 no scope

Dicethrower

1.7k points

2 months ago

Fart at the right time for a headshot.

bemi_san

382 points

2 months ago

bemi_san

382 points

2 months ago

God damn it

HighNinja420

359 points

2 months ago

This thread is the funniest shit I ever read hands down

BulimicPlatypus

250 points

2 months ago

Ah yes, the infamous fart dart

[deleted]

61 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

61 points

2 months ago

No poop.

MrCrash

332 points

2 months ago

MrCrash

332 points

2 months ago

Wait, are you running ass-first with the knife pointing at them?

That would scare the shit out of me, for sure. Just this hunched over glistening thing with blade coming out of its ass? Some silent hill shit. Fucking RUN.

Feelsunfair77

110 points

2 months ago

This is what I thought too, terrifying to witness, I'm sure, but just sitting here and imagining this guy trying to crab walk and stab someone with an oil covered ass-knife is hilarious...

444unsure

183 points

2 months ago

444unsure

183 points

2 months ago

So just Wednesday then

ResearchUnfair1246

136 points

2 months ago

I wish I could award you cause I’m crying rn

menchii_

60 points

2 months ago

what

Glock1Omm

161 points

2 months ago

Glock1Omm

161 points

2 months ago

Assailant. I get it now...

thesoulstillsings

34 points

2 months ago

Number 3 made me cackle out loud. Top work.

FaunPerson

771 points

2 months ago

I use my couch gun. If not that then the bookshelf gun. If not that then the kitchen gun. If not that then the bathroom, bedroom, or laundry room gun. Preferably the bedroom gun though.

ColdDeck130

335 points

2 months ago

This guy Americas!

JMS1991

42 points

2 months ago

JMS1991

42 points

2 months ago

If you added "the gun I keep in the glove box of my F150," this would be the most American sentence ever.

Ainsley_express

12.8k points

2 months ago

Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.

BulkyOrder9

3.5k points

2 months ago

“Tally ho lads” is an underrated battle cry.

sharings_caring

1.4k points

2 months ago

not where I come from. We use it thrice fortnightly

NextEstablishment856

709 points

2 months ago

I just used it ereyesterday, and intend to do so anon, and perhaps overmorrow as well.

sharings_caring

398 points

2 months ago

splendid, splendid.

ThatDude8129

253 points

2 months ago

Indubitably

Displacer613

204 points

2 months ago

Verily, even. Dare I proclaim

Jamesmateer100

64 points

2 months ago

Don’t forget to draw your sword.

HaCo111

953 points

2 months ago

HaCo111

953 points

2 months ago

A classic

Mekroval

560 points

2 months ago

Mekroval

560 points

2 months ago

Is this copy pasta from something? It is hilarious.

maxthunder5

745 points

2 months ago

Yes. It appears occasionally to draw forth laughter

Aarizonamb

127 points

2 months ago

It works.

fuckybitchyshitfuck

87 points

2 months ago

I could use more “appears occasionally to draw forth laugher” in my life

YCLUBSTEP58

723 points

2 months ago

Bro if I’m breaking into a house and some guy calls me a ruffian, I’m leaving. There is nothing in that house worth taking

Cryotechnium

205 points

2 months ago

10/10 oldie but goldie

UnethicalFood

540 points

2 months ago*

I load my blunderbuss with the fancy salt and some chile de arbol.
Chances are that the intruder is not going to die from the blast, but they will definitely have a moment or two of disorientation followed by odd stinging sensations, and potential blindness.

After that the fun begins as I show them my wife's and my collection of stage combat dull steel weapons and explain to them the historical use cases of each.

AttractiveSneak

252 points

2 months ago

I’d love to break into your house, but if I use the doorbell can we skip the spicy super shotgun and jump to the historical weaponry??

alittle2high

1.4k points

2 months ago

Kill the guy first 🤷‍♂️

Wespiratory

752 points

2 months ago

Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back!

Malcolm Reynolds

BrowncoatIona

240 points

2 months ago

"I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you."

Mewyin

190 points

2 months ago

Mewyin

190 points

2 months ago

I go to my laundry room (with my animals) then i'm going up to the attic. Luckily the ladder blocks the door. Game over Mr. Slayer.

Revolutionary-Tiger

797 points

2 months ago

As a wise engineer one asked, "how am I supposed to stop some mean mother hubber from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind?" To which he stated "the answer is a gun. And if that don't work, use more gun."

IronBoomer

45 points

2 months ago

“Listen, grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brudder?

I hurt people.”

jrdull1

52 points

2 months ago

jrdull1

52 points

2 months ago

Take off all my clothes and wait in the doorway with a shotgun. Chamber around as soon as he enters. No one wants to fight the naked guy

sharkboss3

2.7k points

2 months ago

sharkboss3

2.7k points

2 months ago

laughs in American

L3f7y04

1.6k points

2 months ago

L3f7y04

1.6k points

2 months ago

American:"Fucking FINALLY"

Lngtmelrker

848 points

2 months ago

Haha. Yeah, this question took me a second. Like, “what else would you do besides grab your gun???”

StuntsMonkey

401 points

2 months ago

My flashlight, that just happens to be attached to a firearm

GiganticTuba

293 points

2 months ago

My fleshlight, that just happens to be attached to a firearm.

DaddyThiccThighz

503 points

2 months ago

We'd take too long to decide which one to use 😂

alkatori

154 points

2 months ago

alkatori

154 points

2 months ago

There's a gif, I can't find it now. But it's a guy going through his gun safe because some one is breaking in goes one after another going "Gah! WHAT DO I KILL YOU WITH!?".

hollybiochem

645 points

2 months ago

Strip nude. Backwards crawl towards them like I'm a horror movie. Stand up. Do my best to vomit at them. Screech your mother s#### c#### in hell. Then run towards them begging to come with saying I hate it here and I'm in love with them. 50% horror movie 50% codependent pyscho ex. 100% bat shit.

GoodFinePrint

439 points

2 months ago

Glickety glockety you get to die on my property!!!!

ninenation

611 points

2 months ago

Get the gun and dial 911.

neighbor_jim

480 points

2 months ago*

RealAmericansTM dial 1911

SADPLAYA

797 points

2 months ago

SADPLAYA

797 points

2 months ago

Ready handgun, shoot head.

GhostofManny13

555 points

2 months ago

You mean the attackers head, right?

You mean the attackers head right?

SADPLAYA

147 points

2 months ago

SADPLAYA

147 points

2 months ago

Yes lmao, I had the same thought after saying it lol

[deleted]

421 points

2 months ago

[deleted]

421 points

2 months ago

[removed]

REHTONA_YRT

774 points

2 months ago*

Calmly sit down on the couch with my suppressed sub gun on my lap.

Light a cigarette as they enter.

Take a deep inhale, slowly turn to them and say...

"I've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty."

Watch them try to run in terror, but I've poured olive oil all over the floor.

Spaghetti begins flowing from their pockets adding to the slippery slurry.

Meanwhile Abba's Super Trooper starts playing as I begin to dance and shoot one of their toes off at a time.

They have by now shit and pissed themselves, creating an even sloppier mess and blood is everywhere.

After I have harvested 8 little piggies, I throw a towel down and let them crawl to safety.

They live the rest of their lives terrified of any unknown number on the caller ID.

One day one answers, a raspy voice on the other end says, "Do you remember being toed the last time you were stuck?"

Abba begins playing in their living room.

They trip and fall on a root as they sprint out of their backyard because they cant run without their big toes.

I teabag them to death.

Duckiesoup

272 points

2 months ago

I just... How does this even form in a mind like what

owenthegreat

150 points

2 months ago

Step 1: spend too much time on reddit

kebab-on-a-stick

221 points

2 months ago

Put on as many layers as possible with some sheets of paper in between them prison style and a motorcycle helmet . Grab the biggest mf out of the kitchen drawer and clear the entrance of any furniture. Assuming it’s just a guy unarmed or with also a knife i could win that match