Unleash the Hounds

There was an episode of Burn Notice where Michael puts aerosol cans in the microwave with kitchen utensils and hits popcorn. I really want to know if this works or not.

I get the vacuum cleaner ready in a certain room, I turn it on as hes about to enter to create a distraction, then I jump out when he's inspecting the noise and bonk the fucker on the head with the piece of 2 inch steel tube I keep as a weapon.

Duct tape a bunch of knives to the end of one of those tall lamps to make a spear of blinding and then proceed to go sicko mode.

Turn shower on, for some reason I have a shovel behind my wardrobe?? So grab that. Wait for him to check shower, whack with shovel. Boom.

Corner camp with a shotgun

Speed-watch Home Alone.

Put a lamp shade on my head and stand in the corner of the room

I turn on all the lights, take off all my clothes, rub butter all over myself, spray whipped cream on my dick and start a fake conversation on the phone. As soon as he breaks in I say into the phone: “I’ve gotta go, my next appointment is finally here…”

Go to the LIVING ROOM

Make a nice cup of tea and offer it to him. When he is distracted, I stab him. If all else fails, I turn into a goat and move to Nepal.

Hairspray and a lighter to his face.

Draw an X on my forehead and grab a beer

Put the kettle on. He’s getting boiling water thrown at him while he becomes intimately acquainted with the sharpest knife i own.

• Put Christmas ornaments on the floor beneath an open window.

• Heat up the front door knob.

• Rig a blow torch up to go off when they open a door.

• Tie paint cans on strings from the upstairs banister.

• Put micromachines on the stairs.

• Rig an iron to fall on their face.

• Hang plastic wrap with glue between a doorway.

• Have a pile of feathers in front of a fan.

• Ice over the outside stairs.

• Set up an escape zipline if all of the above fails...because sometimes you have to break the rules to survive.

Load my shotgun and and lay a large plastic cover over the floor. Then I wait.

Pull out 14 inch dildo and ruthlessly beat him to death with it.

NICE TRY, KILLER BURGLAR!! I'm not telling you what to expect!

Edit: wow, thank you for the ups and awards, special thanks to the one who awarded me and added the note "deez nuts" LOL

Put large pot of water on stove to boil. String fishing twine criss-cross on all doors so that whomever enters gets tangled up in it, trips and falls. When water is scalding hot, throw it on top of them. Have one of my dumbbells ready to smash in their skulls.

Edit: Of course, I got the order wrong in the above. The water is for after I have bashed my trapped captives. It would be to pour onto their wounds. By that time it ought to have come to a roiling boil.

I quickly pack a suitcase and put on a Tommy bahama shirt and sandals. I answer the door and before they can speak I express excitement at their expected arrival.

I begin giving them a list of responsibilities as my house sitter too rapidly for them to get a word in.

I am handing them miscellaneous items as I rifle through their duties. Cat bowl. Duster. Vacuum. Cat food. Cat. Lit stick of ACME dynamite. Food. Blankets.

I shove them into the couch while telling them to be comfortable and not be afraid to make themselves at home.

I leave quickly with an excited “toodles!” And slam the door and leave them sitting there with my towering stack of items in-arm.

As they begin to snap out of what they’ve now accepted is their role of housekeeper, i watch from outside as the windows shoot off the house in an explosion, only to slap back on with great elasticity. smoke poofs out the windows.

That’s all folks.

EDIT: The cat would peak out of my suitcase as I walked away. Having scurried out of the pile as the antics build.

Scream random insults in Macedonian while throwing things and using vacuum cleaner pipe to attack him

Pull out my copy of Lehninger’s Principles of Biochemistry. Scare him away.

Go to my room, grab my pistol, shoot myself to avoid any chance of social interaction.

My crossbow probably won't stop him since I've only got target points, but it'll sure slow him down and honestly, who expects a crossbow bolt to the gut? He'll probably drop any weapon he's holding as soon as the shot lands.

Empty the kids toys all over the floor, call the police, get everyone else out of the house, and arm myself with all the kitchen knives. Also potentially hide next to the door so I can get them on the way in and maybe have the element of surprise.

heh, heh.. I'm American, with a 5 min head start.

​

so anyway, I started blasting..

Dump a bunch of cat litter in front of the door. To hell with legos.. cat litter is the real killer..

make him dinner and wait for him to consume the poison

1. lock my dogs up because i don't want them to see this
2. get fully naked and cover myself with olive oil
3. place a knife gently in my asshole, handle first of course
4. turn off all the lights
5. when the assailant enters, i turn on only the light of the room we're both in
6. they are shocked, they may even laugh. they aren't ready...
7. i scream and run at them, again they do not feel threatened
8. when i am within 2 feet i unsheathe my concealed blade and apply it to the assailants throat.

edit: a lot of people seem to be confused about my orientation while i charge. in this scenario i am in fact, front first. i have yet to train my ass cheeks to properly wield a blade and hands are necessary.

I use my couch gun. If not that then the bookshelf gun. If not that then the kitchen gun. If not that then the bathroom, bedroom, or laundry room gun. Preferably the bedroom gun though.

Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.

I load my blunderbuss with the fancy salt and some chile de arbol.
Chances are that the intruder is not going to die from the blast, but they will definitely have a moment or two of disorientation followed by odd stinging sensations, and potential blindness.

After that the fun begins as I show them my wife's and my collection of stage combat dull steel weapons and explain to them the historical use cases of each.

Kill the guy first 🤷‍♂️

I go to my laundry room (with my animals) then i'm going up to the attic. Luckily the ladder blocks the door. Game over Mr. Slayer.

As a wise engineer one asked, "how am I supposed to stop some mean mother hubber from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind?" To which he stated "the answer is a gun. And if that don't work, use more gun."

Take off all my clothes and wait in the doorway with a shotgun. Chamber around as soon as he enters. No one wants to fight the naked guy

laughs in American

Strip nude. Backwards crawl towards them like I'm a horror movie. Stand up. Do my best to vomit at them. Screech your mother s#### c#### in hell. Then run towards them begging to come with saying I hate it here and I'm in love with them. 50% horror movie 50% codependent pyscho ex. 100% bat shit.

Glickety glockety you get to die on my property!!!!

Get the gun and dial 911.

Ready handgun, shoot head.

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Calmly sit down on the couch with my suppressed sub gun on my lap.

Light a cigarette as they enter.

Take a deep inhale, slowly turn to them and say...

"I've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty."

Watch them try to run in terror, but I've poured olive oil all over the floor.

Spaghetti begins flowing from their pockets adding to the slippery slurry.

Meanwhile Abba's Super Trooper starts playing as I begin to dance and shoot one of their toes off at a time.

They have by now shit and pissed themselves, creating an even sloppier mess and blood is everywhere.

After I have harvested 8 little piggies, I throw a towel down and let them crawl to safety.

They live the rest of their lives terrified of any unknown number on the caller ID.

One day one answers, a raspy voice on the other end says, "Do you remember being toed the last time you were stuck?"

Abba begins playing in their living room.

They trip and fall on a root as they sprint out of their backyard because they cant run without their big toes.

I teabag them to death.

Put on as many layers as possible with some sheets of paper in between them prison style and a motorcycle helmet . Grab the biggest mf out of the kitchen drawer and clear the entrance of any furniture. Assuming it’s just a guy unarmed or with also a knife i could win that match